Darling Contagion
must be a devil between us
or whores in my head
whores at the door
whore in my bed
but hey
where have you been
if you go i will surely die
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Tuesday, March 14, 2006
So basically, I don't know about you, but I get these random thoughts now and then of what I would be like had I been born male. I have since come to the conclusion that I would have been a stud and would have aged into an asian Karl Lagerfield. However, I have also decided that being a boy would just have been too dreadfully dull and tiresome. This is especially since 90% of my actions would probably be motivated by the idea of penetration. How dreadfully... mindnumbing. Furthermore, I would probably die a male virgin seeing as there are hardly any attractive Singaporean females about; and they wonder why the national birthrate has fallen. Blame it on the fugly women! If I had to face a typial Singaporean woman everyday I wouldn't be surprised if my libido just shrivelled and fossilised into solid impotent crystals. Then again, I am utterly biased against Singaporean women, being one myself I know I should be singing their praises, but I can't. They suck. Period.
What would you do if you were the opposite gender for exactly 24 hours?
As for me, here's what my schedule would look like (this was written by a friend of a friend who happens to be a guy... teehee):
8am: Holy crap! I don't have a morning woody? MY PENIS IS GONE! (proceeds to poke at vagina. Laughs maniacally.)
9:07am: Shit, that was fun.
9:10am: (Looking into mirror) Wait, I'm still a guy--my boobs are nonexistent. Nevermind, I'm Asian.
9:11am: Peeing is such a hassle. wtf.
9:12am: Women never fart, or so it seems. Time to change all that. ::goes next to brother:: "TAKE THAT!"
8:15am: My hair looks lovely today. Maybe I'll spend a few minutes making it look nice.
10:47am: "Crap, how the heck did time go by so fast?"
10:50am: This vagina looks funny.
11:10am: "Oooh, gossip news!"
12pm: "OMG, GENERAL HOSPITAL!"
1pm: (tearing) "WHY? WHY DID YOU BREAK UP? HE DOESN'T DESERVE THAT!" (Kicks over the TV. Brother stares emotionless)
1:30pm: Time to get myself breakfast.
1:45pm: Arrives at McDonalds. "I'll have a number two, super-sized, 2 apple pies, an order of mozarella sticks, a McChicken sandwich, and a chocolate sundae."
1:46pm: Male cashier is still puzzled over my order.
2:08pm: (loud belch) The customers stare at me bewildered.
2:10pm: (walks by male cashier) Maybe I'll have some more dessert with you later. (wink)2:11pm: Damn, messing with guys heads IS fun. No wonder girls do this so often.
3:45pm: Hits the arcade
4:17pm: Proceeds to annihilate all male contenders at Street Fighter vs SNK.
4:49pm: Males become frustrated and confused.
4:50pm: "Yeah, that's a shame."
5:30pm: Proceeds to extremely-filled basketball court
5:33pm: "Can I get next?""Uhh..uhhh...sure!," the male pack-leader stutters.
5:34pm: (thinks to self) Damn, it's that easy to get onto the court just with boobs?
5:50pm: Attempts an AND1 crossover-pass behind the back which ends up hitting a teammate in the nose. "Oooooh, ouch. Sorry. Walk it off."
5:51pm: Goddamn, it's getting hot. Time to take off my shirt.
5:52pm: Why is everyone staring at me? "OH SHIET!" (Quickly grabs shirt and covers already-exposed boobs). "Okay, so you all got a free peep show. Now shut up." Oh my god, that was embarassing. Now I know how Tara Reid feels.
6:15pm: (Discovers a new offensive move: groping my boobs in front of the ballhandler) Works every time.
7pm: Farking exhausted. How the heck do other girls walk all day around the mall?
7:30pm: Time for pr0n. Be back later.
8pm: Interesting to say the least.
8:20pm: Takes numerous photos for MySpace. BOOB SHOT!
8:50pm: Hmm...a visit to the bar sounds fun.
9:30pm: Shower time. Should be quick.
10:15pm: WTF! Why are my showers taking forever?
10:30pm: SOMEONE GET ME OUT OF HERE!
10:33pm: (Pokes at boob)
10:45pm: FINALLY! It's like there's a magnet that keeps you from escaping the bathroom.
11:50pm: Arrives in city.
12am: WOOOO! Body shots galore!
12:20am: Shot number..wha? 6? HOT!
1:36am: "Yeah? And your mother likes it rough...like your sandpaper-like hands, bietch!"
5am: (Looks around, notice that I'm inside a toilet bowl) "ECHO! ECHO!" (Proceeds to nap some more)
9:15am: Damnit! Morning woody.
What would you do if you were the opposite gender for exactly 24 hours?
As for me, here's what my schedule would look like (this was written by a friend of a friend who happens to be a guy... teehee):
8am: Holy crap! I don't have a morning woody? MY PENIS IS GONE! (proceeds to poke at vagina. Laughs maniacally.)
9:07am: Shit, that was fun.
9:10am: (Looking into mirror) Wait, I'm still a guy--my boobs are nonexistent. Nevermind, I'm Asian.
9:11am: Peeing is such a hassle. wtf.
9:12am: Women never fart, or so it seems. Time to change all that. ::goes next to brother:: "TAKE THAT!"
8:15am: My hair looks lovely today. Maybe I'll spend a few minutes making it look nice.
10:47am: "Crap, how the heck did time go by so fast?"
10:50am: This vagina looks funny.
11:10am: "Oooh, gossip news!"
12pm: "OMG, GENERAL HOSPITAL!"
1pm: (tearing) "WHY? WHY DID YOU BREAK UP? HE DOESN'T DESERVE THAT!" (Kicks over the TV. Brother stares emotionless)
1:30pm: Time to get myself breakfast.
1:45pm: Arrives at McDonalds. "I'll have a number two, super-sized, 2 apple pies, an order of mozarella sticks, a McChicken sandwich, and a chocolate sundae."
1:46pm: Male cashier is still puzzled over my order.
2:08pm: (loud belch) The customers stare at me bewildered.
2:10pm: (walks by male cashier) Maybe I'll have some more dessert with you later. (wink)2:11pm: Damn, messing with guys heads IS fun. No wonder girls do this so often.
3:45pm: Hits the arcade
4:17pm: Proceeds to annihilate all male contenders at Street Fighter vs SNK.
4:49pm: Males become frustrated and confused.
4:50pm: "Yeah, that's a shame."
5:30pm: Proceeds to extremely-filled basketball court
5:33pm: "Can I get next?""Uhh..uhhh...sure!," the male pack-leader stutters.
5:34pm: (thinks to self) Damn, it's that easy to get onto the court just with boobs?
5:50pm: Attempts an AND1 crossover-pass behind the back which ends up hitting a teammate in the nose. "Oooooh, ouch. Sorry. Walk it off."
5:51pm: Goddamn, it's getting hot. Time to take off my shirt.
5:52pm: Why is everyone staring at me? "OH SHIET!" (Quickly grabs shirt and covers already-exposed boobs). "Okay, so you all got a free peep show. Now shut up." Oh my god, that was embarassing. Now I know how Tara Reid feels.
6:15pm: (Discovers a new offensive move: groping my boobs in front of the ballhandler) Works every time.
7pm: Farking exhausted. How the heck do other girls walk all day around the mall?
7:30pm: Time for pr0n. Be back later.
8pm: Interesting to say the least.
8:20pm: Takes numerous photos for MySpace. BOOB SHOT!
8:50pm: Hmm...a visit to the bar sounds fun.
9:30pm: Shower time. Should be quick.
10:15pm: WTF! Why are my showers taking forever?
10:30pm: SOMEONE GET ME OUT OF HERE!
10:33pm: (Pokes at boob)
10:45pm: FINALLY! It's like there's a magnet that keeps you from escaping the bathroom.
11:50pm: Arrives in city.
12am: WOOOO! Body shots galore!
12:20am: Shot number..wha? 6? HOT!
1:36am: "Yeah? And your mother likes it rough...like your sandpaper-like hands, bietch!"
5am: (Looks around, notice that I'm inside a toilet bowl) "ECHO! ECHO!" (Proceeds to nap some more)
9:15am: Damnit! Morning woody.
She Is Electric X 8:48:00 PM