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must be a devil between us
or whores in my head
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whore in my bed
but hey
where have you been
if you go i will surely die
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Thursday, March 02, 2006
I promised I wouldn't blog about anything sad or upsetting in anyway but the past 2 days have been pretty rough. I don't want to grow up : (
Drama today brought with it my weekly counselling session. I love Mrs DJ. Despite the fact that I never do any preparations for lessons she is always there for me to talk to. I need it every now and then.
The present despair score: SUICIDAL ( Don't read this if the last thing you need is a powerful dose of depression) :
I'm really worried for my cousin who has just been diagnosed with Meningitis after coming back from some top-secret case in Brunei . Apparently her brain has swelled and what we fear most are the after effects of her illness. She is such a brilliant girl but she risks brain damage or attention deficit disorder when she recovers.
My other cousin, with only a few months to spare before her PSLE has been diagnosed with dyslexia. She may not be able to make it through the exams, which is yet another waste especially since all her life her full potential has not been realised. What saddens me the most is the fact that she's always been misunderstood. She's such a sweet girl...
Someone really close to me has found out her mother is seeing a psychiatrist and suffers from Multiple Personality Disorder. Furthermore her parents have encountered some financial problems and at the present, her academic future seems bleak. This is yet another tragedy and makes me so sad. She's such a brilliant person.
I've found out I'm going to SOAS rather than UCL now. To be fair, there is little difference seeing as 50% of my time will be divided between both institutions. Also, SOAS is 3rd nationwide for my course and 4th as a university....but still. You know what it's like when you psyche yourself up for something only to have it pulled from under your feet and leave you feeling so desparaging. My tutors have been telling me to snap out of my morose state ,thinking I'm being such an ingrate. Loads of people covet an offer from SOAS so I guess I should stop being such a turd.
________________________________________________________________________
I was moaning to Mrs DJ " I'm so depressed... I hate life" but she said something that held some resonance with me ," You don't hate life, that's why you're depressed, You want to be happy and therefore, hate to experience bad things".
That is so true. I love life, and every now and then I do love my life, what upsets me is seeing first hand how fragile everything truly is. One minute we're on top of the world, getting on with our careers, eagerly claiming our A's and then, all of a sudden, it can be gone just like that. We lose our ways ,keeping our eyes keenly on a target only to find we've lost the whole point about what life truly is. Suddenly our personal hang-ups and self-pitying just loses all relevance and we ask ourselves what all the hot fuss and noise was about in the first place.
When Z got rejected from Cambridge she was gutted and thrown into serious depression for 2 weeks. When I got a no from UCL I gave Krusty a call and told her I might as well get some brooms for my career as a road sweeper in London. This was the first time we were actually shown the impact our actions have on our lives. Previously I had dismissed SOAS because the name was so uncool and the prospectus was brown, but now I was forced to do some proper research on SOAS and was pleasantly surprised to find, IT'S SUCH A SWEET PLACE!! I can't wait to go! Yea, I know I didn't bust my buns redhot for my AS's but I'm proud of what I got, and I guess the only way to go is forward. But from now on, I know noone is going to get that career for me... even if it's a career as Supervisor Road Sweeper.
The future has really whacked my hard on my stubborn head. Adopt Adapt and Improve. I have learned lots of things from this.
Firstly, I have been slapped awake by life and out of the mentality that I can manage to fumble along with minimal amount of effort and my parent's support, (apparently even that doesn't last forever) .
Secondly, even though working towards a future is neccessary, it isn't the be all and end all. There is more to life than certs and money. There's you and me, as human beings stripped bare, vulnerable and depending on the dubious notion of time and the idea that we will somehow, live forever.
Thirdly, SOAS is a hot place. Fiercely political, exhileratingly left-wing and apparently perpetually smelling of sweet sweet grass- the setting is there for a wicked time. Apparently they have a Lesbian Gay Bisexual Transgeder Officer in charge of, well LGBT issues.. heheh. I should stop being such a retard with research and properly read up before running my mouth off and exercising typical Singaporean ignorance. If ignorance means bliss, Singaporeans should be the most ecstatic lot on the planet.
Feeling so enlightened. The dalai lama and I should form our own posse.
Drama today brought with it my weekly counselling session. I love Mrs DJ. Despite the fact that I never do any preparations for lessons she is always there for me to talk to. I need it every now and then.
The present despair score: SUICIDAL ( Don't read this if the last thing you need is a powerful dose of depression) :
I'm really worried for my cousin who has just been diagnosed with Meningitis after coming back from some top-secret case in Brunei . Apparently her brain has swelled and what we fear most are the after effects of her illness. She is such a brilliant girl but she risks brain damage or attention deficit disorder when she recovers.
My other cousin, with only a few months to spare before her PSLE has been diagnosed with dyslexia. She may not be able to make it through the exams, which is yet another waste especially since all her life her full potential has not been realised. What saddens me the most is the fact that she's always been misunderstood. She's such a sweet girl...
Someone really close to me has found out her mother is seeing a psychiatrist and suffers from Multiple Personality Disorder. Furthermore her parents have encountered some financial problems and at the present, her academic future seems bleak. This is yet another tragedy and makes me so sad. She's such a brilliant person.
I've found out I'm going to SOAS rather than UCL now. To be fair, there is little difference seeing as 50% of my time will be divided between both institutions. Also, SOAS is 3rd nationwide for my course and 4th as a university....but still. You know what it's like when you psyche yourself up for something only to have it pulled from under your feet and leave you feeling so desparaging. My tutors have been telling me to snap out of my morose state ,thinking I'm being such an ingrate. Loads of people covet an offer from SOAS so I guess I should stop being such a turd.
________________________________________________________________________
I was moaning to Mrs DJ " I'm so depressed... I hate life" but she said something that held some resonance with me ," You don't hate life, that's why you're depressed, You want to be happy and therefore, hate to experience bad things".
That is so true. I love life, and every now and then I do love my life, what upsets me is seeing first hand how fragile everything truly is. One minute we're on top of the world, getting on with our careers, eagerly claiming our A's and then, all of a sudden, it can be gone just like that. We lose our ways ,keeping our eyes keenly on a target only to find we've lost the whole point about what life truly is. Suddenly our personal hang-ups and self-pitying just loses all relevance and we ask ourselves what all the hot fuss and noise was about in the first place.
When Z got rejected from Cambridge she was gutted and thrown into serious depression for 2 weeks. When I got a no from UCL I gave Krusty a call and told her I might as well get some brooms for my career as a road sweeper in London. This was the first time we were actually shown the impact our actions have on our lives. Previously I had dismissed SOAS because the name was so uncool and the prospectus was brown, but now I was forced to do some proper research on SOAS and was pleasantly surprised to find, IT'S SUCH A SWEET PLACE!! I can't wait to go! Yea, I know I didn't bust my buns redhot for my AS's but I'm proud of what I got, and I guess the only way to go is forward. But from now on, I know noone is going to get that career for me... even if it's a career as Supervisor Road Sweeper.
The future has really whacked my hard on my stubborn head. Adopt Adapt and Improve. I have learned lots of things from this.
Firstly, I have been slapped awake by life and out of the mentality that I can manage to fumble along with minimal amount of effort and my parent's support, (apparently even that doesn't last forever) .
Secondly, even though working towards a future is neccessary, it isn't the be all and end all. There is more to life than certs and money. There's you and me, as human beings stripped bare, vulnerable and depending on the dubious notion of time and the idea that we will somehow, live forever.
Thirdly, SOAS is a hot place. Fiercely political, exhileratingly left-wing and apparently perpetually smelling of sweet sweet grass- the setting is there for a wicked time. Apparently they have a Lesbian Gay Bisexual Transgeder Officer in charge of, well LGBT issues.. heheh. I should stop being such a retard with research and properly read up before running my mouth off and exercising typical Singaporean ignorance. If ignorance means bliss, Singaporeans should be the most ecstatic lot on the planet.
Feeling so enlightened. The dalai lama and I should form our own posse.
She Is Electric X 5:04:00 PM