Darling Contagion

2006-07-14T14:52:00.000+01:00

www.hellopanther.blogspot.com

moth-eaten

2006-06-12T19:12:00.000+01:00

A random entry with melancholic electric guitar playing in the background. Don't expect anything more.

A moth flew into my room last night. I spotted it as I was looking into the mirror lathering my face. It was beating its wings furiously but seemed to be heading nowhere. It flew in wide circular orbits and I ducked ,dived and crouched to get out of its way. I tried coaxing it out of my room with a magazine,but when I slammed it shut the draft from the rapid shutting motion blew it right back into my room. Too tired to fight this fluttering thing I let it perch on my cables. Then I quickly googled 'Moths, Luck' on my laptop. I had remembered someone saying something about moths and luck a long time ago. The result was an unhelpful list of how to get lucky catching moths. I was not prepared to battle the internet so I let it go and passed the night not alone.

Whether the moth was good luck or not, it decided to leave me today. Somewhere in his monotonous orbiting he must have found the open window which I left wide open for him.
Or it might just have died in some obscure nook.

Today I had my first two papers. Or rather, my first two papers had me. All I could think of during those papers was how raw my glands felt to the touch. Smooth and hot, like I had swallowed two pebbles in my sleep. I ran my free hand over them, probed,nudged,stroked and convinced myself I was down with the kissing disease. Although I don't remember kissing anyone recently. I swallowed hard to check if the burning dry pain was still there at the back of my throat. It was,same as ever. The one and a half hour had therefore turned into a distracted intellectual exersion of information and a personal medical check up. I was convinced,and still am, that i'm going to die. Literally, or literarily.

A man added me online yesterday. He is apparently half thai and chinese on the other half. Because he's old I treated him disrespectfully. I would go into details but I can't be bothered to. There's something so intensely vulnerable about an old man online. By old I don't mean decrepit. Just a 50 year old man in a 28 old sheeps clothing. I hate it when random ugly people add me.

Will be moving to Japan.

block

2006-06-05T13:57:00.000+01:00

So I haven't been online for more than a week and you would think I have something utterly fascinating to blog about. Just one thing. But surprise, I don't.

I can tell you where I've been though. Not in the boarding house but with my parents in our own sweet little house a few minutes away. There's a garden, there is nature,there are insects but there is no internet. Luckily, I have cable tv (Scrubs/ 8 Simple Rules/ Everybody loves raymond/ Frasier) at my beck and call to save me from going totally insane. Of course ,without the internet you would also think I would be studying my single eyelid eyeballs out, but I'm not. Instead, most of my time is spent dedicated to indulging in filial duties such as tasting the newest type of pate my mum had been pursuaded to buy by the nice man in waitrose. Then there's also the odd sticky toffee pudding to sample as well.

And there it is. I have not been jetting off to a very fabulously chic place, or had any scandalous rendevous to have me too busy to update my blog. Instead, I've been a sad sad excuse of a teenager,living with the parents, and just a bad toupe away from a midlife crisis.

Needless to say, the only thing progressing in my life is my weight. Studying, still zilch. Maybe Anna will be able to sympathise with me. Or not.

By the time Leaver's Ball comes,the only thing I'll be able to fit in is a little toga bed of bedsheets. God I'm fat. And I mean it.nevertheless, It's football season soon, not that I have ever cared for it, but its men like Nakata that have me glued to the sports channels.

NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's times like these I wish desperately that I could read Japanese.

That TRAITOR. Nabeh. That's it. I don't like football anymore.

the Hours

2006-05-25T13:41:00.000+01:00

5 Days later I realise that I have loved boarding school life all this while so this is a tribute to an amazing 2 years.

Tomorrow will be the last day ever, of my boarding-life here in Cheltenham. However, I have spent the past week living with the parentals in a 'cottage' in Prestbury. Aside from having no internet and no DVD's to watch, the more significant absence would be that of company. There's no Scaz to run to for a midnight smoke. No Chris to cut my lip and inflict various forms of physical abuse on me. No Zaz telling me to 'shuddup' and indulge in experimental beautifying regimes (i.e Fake Tan). No starving off suspicious looking meals.In the idyllic country house there is food,silence, more silence, and yourself.

I have braved being busted for alcohol,drugs, smoking, trespassing and other 'crimes' in my life here.But at the same time, it has been punctuated with moments of sheer bliss (fudge, sun, shopping, alcohol and shortcuts). Conflicts with matrons have lost their bitter tinge and seem now to be amusing anecdotes. (The more significant matron has proceeded to bear a spawn called, 'Damien'.I told you she was evil). I will miss this place so much. I will miss my friends being at my beck and call and I will miss the bitchy tiffs that have become so characteristic of life here.

It's only been 2 years and I almost cried with sentimentality when Mrs Lancashire gave us each a personalised farewell note. Thank god I haven't been here my whole life.

On a less hormonally charged note, the exams are looming up and I count the days to my execution.

Transformers

2006-05-19T16:48:00.000+01:00

I can't remember what has happened in this past week. Nothing significant.Except, maybe I got talking to Wil yesterday. I know, big shocker. It is difficult deciding who is the guilty party and whose sins need to be atoned for, and at the same time, consider the possibilty that there never was a crime. No hard feeliings, and no residual urges, it was all cool.

What was particularly remarkable was his affability and the mutual forced display of friendliness; over-compensating for the unspoken awkwardness I guess, but it was great to get talking again. He made it a point to ask when i was coming back,confessing his abstinence from clubbing but expressing his keeness on us clubbing together. With his girlfriend of 1yr and 3mths, most likely.He told me to give him a call when I am back in Spore and I told him likewise, then we had to face the slight embarressment of realizing we hadn't each others numbers because we had deleted them earlier on to mark an end of a chapter. But strange, there is something persistant about this episode that is both stubborn and lingering.

'Can you imagine',quoth a friend,' if you and him had actually gotten together,then XX wouldn't have happened, and X as well...'.It wouldn't have lasted long so XX and X would have happened anyway, except the outcomes might have been a little different.

Anyway,it was not important but it gave something for me to think about for abit other than food. Just the other day I was speaking to my pops and he was like,' next time you want food,just look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself,i'm fat and ugly,ok?' HAHA. He was joking of course. At least I hope he was.

On a separate note, I am looking forward to my trip to Rome with Maddy. This is my first trip sans parentals so I know it is going to be wicked ,or disastrous, it can swing either way. My parents have 'left all the planning to me' which basically means, all the planning rests on Maddy's shoulders. Having left her in charge, we've got two 6am flights with our return flight having the biggest potential for disaster.
11am: Check out of BB
12am: Arrive in Termino/Termini whatever to dump bags
2am: Finish clubbing get on coach
6am: Fly back
Wish me the grandest luck because by Jupiter I think I'll need it.

Anyway, here's something new, I'm trying to cut down. Again. I'm not that serious about it, setting low standards for myself so I will be less likely to disappoint. To all you smokers out there and aspiring smokers, smoking really affects your stamina. I thought I was immune, clocking good time on my runs despite smoking packs but no... Apparently I am not, not anymore at least.

To end this entry: These guys are hot and real funny. Check it out.

With love

2006-05-10T13:59:00.000+01:00

I got a letter today!!! *waves envelope feverishly in the air*
It was from Jint and it looked so fancy even Peta stopped me in mid-step to admire it!

(How terribly sweet is the little bunny badge? (Erm, Jint,Are they fornicating or embracing?))

I have been waiting AGES for this and it contained all the fancy pictures we had taken the day I met 'Bryantt'. Jint has this sweet 'motion camera' which takes 4 pictures at one shot; it's nothing new but we had some good times with it. (Hey Jint, where's the pictures I took of the lesbian couple eh?)

Listening to: Beloved by The Working Title- Good Stuff!

We people at the house lead sad miserable lives. When someone has received a fancy letter or parcel it becomes an event in the dining hall- one half expects a truck full of harassed, coffee-reeking paparazzi to appear.

Anyway, with much further ado, here are the figuratively beautiful pictures taken by Jint and I when I was in Singapore. I was drinking feverishly for some reason, I do not remember the cause but it was tremendous fun nonetheless.

This is my favourite picture:

Thank you Jint for bothering to mail me when noone has. Not even my mother. She sent a carton full of Pocky and Hello Panda to my sister but has cunningly left me out. Oh well, where did I put my can of Foster's....

Muse- ings

2006-05-09T18:21:00.000+01:00

Listening to : Problems - Move.Meant

It's just one of those days where you wake up feeling strangely optimistic. When all your emotions have been distilled and condensed and you're left with a sickeningly clear sense of positivity. It might have been the fact that Miss Thomas spared me a shelling today, (despite the fact that she had, 3 days earlier, banged on Lizabeth in a fit of rage because I decided to skip the CC talk after school to go to a 'party'(drinking)). Or it might have been the DVD's I bought (Keeping Mum/ Thumbsucker). Or my first Iced Frappacino in Chelters. Or the thought of Leaver's Ball.Or the fact that I actually went down to coll on my free afternoon to do work :D Either way, I'm bobbing to 'Vertigo'(American Hi-Fi) and happy.

I feel popular today. Holing myself up in the library for 2hours, I get 4 missed calls and messages online. Better than my usual 0 when I'm pottering about my 4x4 hovel checking my computer ever 2 seconds for a message only to be greeted by my Katie Holmes wallpaper. It reads 'Silent Birth... In Cinema's this Spring' by the way. I'm not a fan, don't worry. Yes. Slim did call, but for the second day in a row I have not picked up (by accident! not on purpose). Oh well, c'est la vie mon cherie.

The bad thing about Summer,is the sudden swarm of Midges flying about like pollen grains and their ability to seem inconspicuous in the distance and suddenly appear in a wall 2 inches away from your face. By the time you realise this, you have eaten about 200 by accident when you were busy talking to your friend about the latest global warming scare, or the tragic performance of Labour in the recent election. This,would on an average day, get me down, but today, I don't really care.In fact, I'm midges-happy and with a swig of sparkling water, they taste pretty nice. I'm just kidding, but I don't know why I'm so gay (as in happy). Must be the hormones.

So, here's my holiday update (for yous guys who even give a damn). I'm staying on in the UK because I have to start my driving lessons when I get back to Spore (god knows I'm dreading it...I can't even do Datona let alone reality). I'm going to my school leaver's ball but the highlight of the night will be C's afterparty where I'm expecting, nay, requesting, nay, demanding, the presence of fit fit guys, and hopefully, with a fit fit dress and a fit fit body (need to work on that one),it'll be a blast.

Must Have Dresses:

Witness.
Gucci.

Specimen A:

Specimen B:
Chanel.

Then there are the after-party dresses which will be worn by the pool (I'm defying the mini-skirt, bikini top rule). I've only considered one so far.

Specimen C:

Listening to: Everyday I think of Money- Stereophonics

Narcisco Rodriguez.

For the last time, I am NOT a brat.I do not throw tantrums (I just do the occasional whine which all of you are guilty of). This is my prom. I'll splurge if I want to. Don't use this against me.

Please?

Sigh, now it rests on tactics. How to get skinny like Lindsay Lohan / Mannequin in the shortest amount of time possible.

Weapons of choice:

1. The throat -tickler (Hello Kitty, for the extra cutesy touch ;P *Kawaii! gag gag* )

2. The greed- curber (to be placed over mouth in strategic way so as to make it look "hot")

On second thoughts, that might work as well.

3. Your new best friend; The light at the end of the tunnel.

Listening to: Where is my mind- the Pixies

This isn't enough

2006-05-06T16:51:00.000+01:00

He pushed his keys to me over the table, half expecting me to take them and treat it with some familiarity; chuck them in my bag maybe. I just stared at the 8ball keychain hanging off its polished key ring, ' What?'. My eyes wandered to his lip ring as his lips pressed tightly over it before parting into a smile,' Just help me hold it, I've got too much junk in my pockets'. What could he possibly have. I pushed the keys off the table into my hands and felt their coolness on my skin.

I hate it when this happens.

If on his list of things to do is to make me fall in like with him,he ought to revise it.And his hairstyle while he's at it. "I look forward to pissing you off in 4 hours", I could imagine him grinning as he said that, or maybe doing something random like looking at a pigeon crapping. Whatever I say next is under the category of 'brutal honesty'. The 'brutal' belongs to him and the 'honesty' will refer to my newly acquired skill of 'honesty to thyself'. In less biblical terms, exercising honest self- evaluation. Being honest to oneself does not involve delusion or deprecation but simply, what it means , honesty. I know what I want,I know what I need, I never do things I don't want to do and even if I do them it will be because I secretly wanted to do them in the first place.

How could I like him anyway. He's was scouted to model for topman.

I guess my reluctance for this to happen is because ultimately, in a nutshell, love sucks. Even between friends. You love someone with all your heart only to see them slipping down the slippery slope into self-annihalation with bad boys,bad attitudes and rotten self-esteem. Then you cast your life-line out to them hoping they'll hold on only to be disappointed when they let go and skid over the cliff,plunging into the mouth of self destruction which in many cases, comes equipped with penis and/or reeking of alchohol. Alright, I'm a fine one to talk, but maybe that's because I am more aware of my love for my friends than I am of myself. I most probably love them more than they love me. Theory therefore; love bites back, and hard. I wonder if it is possible to love someone so much that your heart bursts a little and you find yourself tasting a little blood in your mouth.

Speaking of blood in one's mouth, whilst suntanning the other day, I was busy sucking water out my bottle when Chris decided to take a jab at the bottle, resulting in a cut lip. My teeth had a thin film of red over them and my upperlip started to swell. It hurt like a mother but I reckoned I looked pretty cool, in a 'Rocky' kind of way.

2006-05-04T13:45:00.000+01:00

Everything is so much brighter in Spring. The classrooms are heating up into sauna's. The large window panes in class magnify the rays of sunlight into burning beams of heat, roasting us hot and crispy. Even the pubs have opened up their musty caverns to the streets, displaying technicoloured schnapps resting on glistening beds of ice to parched passersby. I am jealous that the exams have yet to be done and I have to be cooped up in the depths of my room staring at history dates and archaic sculpture. Someone just do my exams for me.

Then there is the occasional moment (or days), where the mind wanders, and I fool myself into thinking I've done enough work and I couldn't possibly fit another fact into my thudding cranium. Like yesterday for example. Donning flip flops, my cool shades, a light chiffon top and trackie bums I hit the town with Maddy to 'look at travel guides' for our summer trip to Rome. Yes baby! Roma here we come! Following that, it was drinks with hannah and ,in her words 'the men'.

The sun was positively brilliant, shining through the grubby windows of the Restoration. The guys were seated near the door on some big old couch, which was good. Hannah was pissed out of her skull at 5.30 pm (She had been drinking since 2).

I met up with the band members of Another Downfall ,which I hope,will be the next big thing so I can tell people I'm 'with the band' . One of its members,Slim was especially animated. The first to lean forward to shake my hand and perfectly content to talk about his mad love for the guitar (he plays the lead), I couldn't help thinking him to be the next big thing.We imagine, but we never believe there would be a day where one would meet a beer-chugging-rift-twanging scenester, in a pub to say the least.

Appreciating the secksy weather today, Hannah and I snuck back to the house to get changed for the Beer Gardens. Grabbing Sunnies, a Sandwich, a bottle of Sparkling Water and a trusty pack of Menthols, we ran off to the garden in bright spirits.

There is nothing much going on in my life therefore, other than Sun, Stress and Amps. I don't pretend to live a life of decadence and glamour (for now anyway), but I met a potential rockstar and hopefully, I will get the chance to be almost famous.

2006-04-29T18:29:00.000+01:00

2006-04-29T13:50:00.000+01:00

tripping

2006-04-27T09:40:00.000+01:00

I'm delusional, maybe even delirious and I don't know why.
For the past two hours I've been thinking about Max's face.
Max btw, is Law's friend who we smoked out with. He has a cool colonial house...dangnabbit,should have brought my camera.
No,I'm not crushing on him OKAY.
But I am in love with his features. Seriously in love. Like,I have never seen a boy who looked so interesting in my whole life.Imagine flipping through a magazine and seeing a picture of a model like Devon Aoki,but only have her with you in the flesh. You'd go as delirious as me. Right?
If any of you are wondering what the hell is so special about this Max person, picture this:
-Pale Skin
-Dark Hair
-Uber long lashes
-Piercing eyes
-Kiddy teeth (you know the type with like gaps in between and look more like milk teeth on a grown person..it looks so cute when he smiles)
-Pouty red lips
He's so effeminate it's actually cool.
If i were a designer,he would be my muse. Hell, if I were YSL I would dedicate my muse bag to him.
But let me say this yet again, I am not crushing on him.

Learning

2006-04-22T11:54:00.000+01:00

So this is my last night and I must say I've been busy these past few days tying up the loose ends.
In some cases, it was a rather rushed job, but I did it all the same and hopefully I've done a good job.

My vicious killer dog is in the hospital now and when I broke the news to my close friends they all burst out laughing. Like, not funny la. Ok, yes,I do admit he has sent all of you to the ER on a few occasions,but still! You should see him now, it is so terribly pitiful that even an animal-hater like me is moved to tears. Figuratively, not literally, let's not push it now.

Was a cinekid for abit with Jint today, and totally killed her in the arcade; streetfighter etc.bring it on. Everything was going dandy till this young little punk walked past me wearing LTJ Bukem's 'Unlucky for Some' Tee. I. am. So. Frickin. Pissed. He absolutely had to rub it in by walking by me twice.

Anyway, been smoking out loads, or more than usual. Been to a couple of great gigs, had several good laughs. The alcky has been sweet, the company electric, although I haven't watched enough movies... But enough gotta run.
_____________________________________________________________________________

24 hours later and here I am.
I hadn't realised how dusty the coach has always been till today. I was coughing for 2 hours straight, a record.
I haul my two bags up the flight of stairs, careful to balance my body weight and that of my bag on the precarious steps. I achieve perfect equilibrium. One false move and I will be sent tumbling backwards, my bag will act as some lead weight and drag me to my doom (death).

I survive.
As I always do.

Burst through the door and am greeted by the comforting silence of a lonely room. The papers, dvds, magazines, sheets, all sit as they had done 4 weeks back. I throw my bags to the floor and feel a 'Honey I'm Hooome!' rising in my chest... but it was just a cough. False alarm. Following the ritualistic habit of turning the lights on, I flick the fairy lights on my wall on.Looking pretty. Then comes the lamp by my magazines. The yellow light acts as a spotlight, highlighting the spines of every magazine collected over these past months. Each spine bears the forlorn white creases of magazines read over and over again. Bent and folded, tired and worn, man-handled and abused; they're still good. Like their owner? We'll see.

It is still quiet.
It is still only me here.
Dinner?

I stare at my kettle. I'm sure I can rustle up something (i'll stay away from trying to fry and egg in it this time). I hear footsteps and noises echo through the corridoor and cringe. My body is in a state of confusion. Am I tired or am I hungry? I can't decide, the yellow light seems a pale substitute for the sun back home. I miss it already. You still run through my mind. Thank you.

'You have to learn to fall before you learn to fly.'
Promises. Promises.

seeing stars

2006-04-17T18:28:00.000+01:00

Something really funny happened this evening at Tango's.

Jint and I were having some drinks and indulging in some meaningful conversation regarding the likes of different brands of vibrators etc. Whilst deep in thought I spied these bunch of guys sitting around indulging in their own sort of 'meaningful conversation' (probably about vibrators too...who knows). One of them sporting a goatee (well, sort of a goatee) and wearing a Bryantt jersey was sitting across. Needless to say, under the guise of getting Jint another drink, I made friendly conversation with him. It turned out the man siting beside him was the owner of Tango's and I told him he was doing a good job. Bryantt himself was pretty aloof but as he made his way out he came over and told me he was making a move and heading to Wala's for abit.

I got his number and waited for L to turn up. Jint meanwhile shot me 'the look'. "Do you know who that is???". This was greeted with a puzzled look on my part,"Who?"." Oh my god.. where have you been?". Another puzzled look followed by, " Uh, nowhere?". " That guy is an actor! You know.. BH from that local tv series T******???". I was still lost, " Uh, what?HAHA T*******? That sounds so stupid". " Yea! He acted opposite this hot woman or something...."

We left it at that, but when L came we headed to Wala's, just to listen to music and not to have a second look at this actor who starred in some confectionary-named local series (what a thought!). The music was on 'wallow' mode and I complained to Bryantt about it(alright, Benjamin, but it's a stupid name anyway). He gave me a ring from the otherside of the room asking me to join him. Honestly, these stupid local stars think they can throw their weight around and order people about. It was almost as if he was half expecting me to trot over and lick his ugly camo- berms (I stayed put, letting the wallow-music induced inertia sink in).

At the end of the night he was cuddling up to some "fugly" bartendress person (in L's own words). That's another thing about local boys... their taste in girls. Of course I'm not jealous or anything, and this incident isn't exactly a dose of thigh-slapping guffaw-inducing hilariousness (if that's even a word), but it's not everyday you meet a local star who's willing to descend from his self-created pedestal to talk to a mere humble nobody of the likes of me.

2006-04-16T11:45:00.000+01:00

It was raining cats and dogs today, Uncle B decided to be a real wuss and stay in Bedok because he was afraid he would be crushed by the water droplets which were 'as big as watermelons'. -_- Eugene was nice enough to drag his clubbed out butt to come meet me at starbucks. We had some coffee and I indulged in my most favourite Starbucks drink, Iced Caramel Macchiato, Yes! Running over to cineleisure I was drenched to the knees (ok, I exaggerate, ankles maybe, but it totally soaked the cuffs of my skinny jeans :(. Looked like some drowned out water rat.

Anyway, seeing as I haven't updated in a week, here is the low down. One minute I'm unloved and unwanted, and the next minute I've got too much to handle and have to spend my time letting people down gently. Ok, maybe not so terribly gently because I'm in general quite a self-obsessed person. At the Tiesto gig there was the juggling of party favours, childish admirers, friends and needless to say, my own sanity. The way I dealt with R was by snapping at him. I asked him if he was disgusted with me, just for dramatic effect, but sadly to say, he wasn't. He told me he would like me no matter what but seriously now. I turned my back to him and just sweated it out with L. Tiesto was not as good this time round we have agreed. We were all of us totally munted but it was good fun nonetheless.

I tell myself never again, and I've got the effects to keep me at bay for the next few days. My jaws are hard from the subconcious clenching,and I was the walking undead yesterday having not been able to sleep for 24 hours. I snuck L into my house that night and we lay in bed with him moving around the place waking me up every 3 minutes.

Yesterday M opened a bottle at MOS and there was just alot of bumming around. Uncle B was mesmerized by the dj's computer in charge of the light effects. 'Eh',he said to the computer lady,' you click smoke,then where's the smoke'. She proceeded to click smoke and a series of diffused haze jets sprayed over the room. 'Then, what's the difference between Haze and Smoke?'. Eugene and I were totally cracking up. At the end of the night Uncle B hopped on his pale green scooter that was way too small for him and scooted off into the night. Tres cool.

I am now watching some crazy action flick packed full of cheesy one liners, but the best bit is this scene where both action dudes are trapped in a room full of people who've had one face lift too many and the only way they can survive is to have fresh body parts transplanted onto their faces. Creepy beverly hills plastic surgeon walks up to female captive and grabs her breasts before remarking, 'by god, they're real!'. So much for an action flick.

What's Eating

2006-04-12T10:45:00.000+01:00

I had thought once my need to feel appreciated was satisfied, it would be over.
Apparently, like with most other things, I was wrong,or at least, not entirely right.
The poetry gets better with my absence and I miss the clumsy sentences.
I don't even know what I'm ranting on about right now, if this can be called a rant. All I know is there is electricity in these veins because of my new addiction- coffee.
I love and I know I'm counting the seconds till I hear the quiet shatter in my chest echo throughout this vessel of a body.
The sound that is made when a heart breaks.
With some people, it is a whisper that flutters in and out and they don't realise they have been broken. Broken in. Or Broken. Either way, they live on in ignorance.
With others, it clangs and hammers, reverberates and everyone knows and hears, the disquieting sadness which follows.
With myself... With myself... With you...
We breathe into each other's mouths and kill our spirits off.
One by one.
I don't know who to blame or if there really is anyone to blame for this painful rite of initiation.
We will be happy,baby.
We must be happy.

2006-04-09T10:03:00.000+01:00

Lawrence and I came to an agreement the other day that the best thing any single person could wish to be would be an amoeba. Strictly asexual, it leaves alot of time and energy for one to indulge in excessive ammounts of me-time without feeling lonely. Afterall, you would be biologically programmed to love nooone but yourself. Furthermore, should you ever feel lonely (or horny for that matter), all your amoeba self would need to indulge in would be simple binary fission and trala! You got two you's! No wasting of time and energy looking for mister right, or crying over spilt milk or the need for reciprocity... Throw that all away and be an amoeba I say. Or one of those scary sea creatures in Ice Age 2. I take dibs on the purple one.

The weekend was great. I can't remember what I did on Friday. Oh yes, went down to Zouk for a really mellow night and a couple of drinks. Did some socialising which always makes me happy. Nigel and Han were missing but met up with David and Jono. Fake was trying to get this girl jealous (or turned off), and thought the best way to do so was to act extra intimate with me. *Rolls eyes*.I doubt it really works if he kisses me on the cheek before proceeding to burn me with his cig by accident and vice versa.

Saturday was mindblowing. I might be exaggerating a little bit, but it was awesome fun anyway. Headed up to the Liquid Room for the first time with Mel,Anna,Melvin,Seb,Anne,Anna's friend whom I can't remember the name of (oh yes, Charmaine..or smth) and got free shots from the manager. C got really drunk half way and like a reed in the wind her skeletal frame was crushed by the enthusiastic crowd of army boys around us. As expected, it was over a guy *sigh*, so I just told her to forget it. But as I have learnt from experience, it's easier said than done but it will be for the better. I guess. Boys, they're nothing but trouble.

So there was alot of martell sloshing, shots popping, sloppy chugging with the army lads. I reckoned it'd be wicked to get them pissed so as Janesh was getting my baby Jon to down martell straight from the bottle I chimed in 'Chug! Chug! Chug!', which inevitably led to them turning their attentions on me. Janesh looked at me and said,' wow,you're so smart to talk ah...' before holding my head and making me down some martell. Needless to say I just sipped a little before the rest of the boys told him to leave me alone. It was totally wicked.

At about 2 am I was called to save lives (i.e the lives the of Lawrence and brit friend Pixel or Pikel ..whatever). Fighting my sleep and throbbing feet he was aching to dance so Rey accompanied me to Indochine with those hyper kids. It was so nice of him :) Whatever is happening now just seems like one big wave of deja vu all over again. The random conversations, the monotonous texts and the general feeling of reptition is concealed by my conviction that this is a new start. *bull*. I can name a string of people who have walked with me through this familiar path before.Anyway, I don't want to think too much about it. As proven by the past, thinking too much doesn't get anyone anywhere or anything. Thinking begins descend into dwelling before the gradual slip into self-pity and finally, paranoia.

Live for the moment. Live like you'll live forever. Stupid naive notions that belong to a brighter past. The neversaydie motto was ours as we repeated them like mantras in our sleep. I still believe in that, perhaps it is now laced with a certain knowingess and sense of inevitability, but anyway, step by step honey. Step by step.

Mr Writer

2006-04-05T19:14:00.000+01:00

Everybody needs therapy, some are just to stubborn (or weak) to admit it. Take me for instance. I was quite content sitting in the 'lounge' sipping my Kir and feeling my throat shrivel and gag at all the smoke consuming us. I was quite happy (or resigned) to the comfortable silence between us and indulge in unproductive thoughts as I stared at some Japanese cooking show flashing on the unecessarily huge plasma screen.

'You've got to snap out of it'

'No. Ok, well maybe, but I can't ok. I just can't. It's too much of a habit'

The more I stared at that sodding Kir the more I needed to get out of the den of a place. I could barely breathe from the amount I wolfed down at dinner and the self-pity I was feeling wasn't helping. So we hopped into a cab and went down to some sleazy old bar (of which I forget the name of) to meet J and friends. I seriously have never been to a joint like that. Not even in my dreams. It was next to the sleazy place I got my tattoo. Both places appeared to have some competition going on between the two of them as to who can out-sleaze the other. The cafe won hands down.

The point is, tonight was a strange night. I met Nigel, who would have guessed, AND Darryl, my first boyfriend. We had moved the party to Zouk and it was the first time I saw him in 4 yrs. I pretended not to notice him over the bar casually glancing over his head but he found me first.

'Hey, you're Lavinia right?'
'Yea.. and you are... Oh! Darryl! Darryl right!' ( Pssh, as phony as anything, but hey, we swapped numbers and that was it).
I'm really glad that despite the fact I wasn't too great to him ,all is forgiven and we can treat each other with enough warmth and humour, I like that.

Big up on the free drinks. Anna bought me one and this random German guy got me one too. Sweet.

_________________________________________________________________________________

Caught Transamerica yesterday. It was good. I like to think I'm pretty openminded but I draw the line at seeing the shadow of balls through transluscent panties *shudder*. Felicity Huffman was brilliant, but there were some bits (no pun intended) where I just found myself nodding off to sleep.

Had a few drinks, and then another few cigs before getting caught in the middle of a fight between my aunt and my headstrong cousin. I hate being in positions like that.

Anyway, I'm being eaten alive by mosquitos right now so this is it.

hungover

2006-04-03T04:15:00.000+01:00

Survived the weekend... just barely.

Bukem's gig at Home was breathtaking,literally and figuratively. After that potent flaming Lambo all I could see was him. I could have danced all night if the room hadn't been spinning so much.When finally James and Cain arrived it had already hit me and they had to literally carry me to the toilet and carry me back, very unglam. But Bukem was SO GOOD I miss him SO much, my heart aches for him and the fact that I forgot to get a teeshirt to commemorate the event makes it hurt even more.DAMN IT.

Anyway, that night, aside from the fact that I almost got hit by a car in my drunk state (it seems my incapability of crossing roads isn't helped by alcohol), I managed to see myself home. This was the first time I've felt this over alcohol- absolute abhorrence. Sat in my bathroom for an hour, then I got bored feeling ill and suppressed the oompa loompa images dancing before my eyes and had a shower.

Sunday was just one big blurry,cloudy, dense hangover. My body was aching for some strange reason and watching a boring movie like Ice Age 2 didn't help. Tan Clan dinner shortly after wasn't good for the headache. By 9pm the pulsating imaginary DnB beats in my head had subsided to a mellow thump, which was aways good.

Bukem.....

Nothing much happened today, couldn't sleep so waking was the logical alternative.
Met up with Jint for drinks despite the fact that I had vowed never-again.
Oh well.... Such is life...

This is testimony of the fact that I can't take pictures for nuts.

This shirt was worth a handphone.
Jint bought this shirt in Zara and her phone got stolen shortly after... Tra laaaa

DragonBallZ

2006-03-30T15:46:00.000+01:00

Visiting the National Library for the first time in 10 years is definitely something to remember. Everything there operates on sensor-mode- it's so snazzy! Even the escalators! This weird man was following me around my aimless walks around the building as I tried to get myself orientated with the labryinth-of-the-future but he gave up when it seemed the escalators were not moving. Lazy Singaporeans.. Anyway, I didnt' know which floor I wanted so I decided to climb those escalators but much to my surprise, once I got on the first step... it moved! Yes! It actually ... ascended. *dramatic pause*

I have since concluded that the National Library is a strange place with stranger people. For starters, everything there is so quiet. I know it's a library and all, but surely some muffled shuffling about is healthy. I wasn't allowed into any room with books in them so I had to settle for the 'study lounge' which was past the 'room of possibilties' (I know...HAHAHA). The Room of Possibilities even had security wardens standing ominously outside *snigger*.

It was the Balcony later on. In the library I could feel my looks start to fade and all glamness wither away as I sat in a row with bespectacled, Qoo totting, Hush Puppy wearing women and men (which is just as disturbing).

When we fetched my sister I was amused to see her new hair extensions. Her hair is just as short as mine, but she went some place to get real ,coloured, very long hair attached to her present short hair. The extensions however, are only attached to the back of her head. It is ....interesting.I could feel my mum release an aura of resignation.It was all her fault really, she refused to pay thousands of dollars for my sis to get a whole head of extensions (fair enough) , so now she must live with a daughter that looks like a character out of Dragonball-Z. I don't think my mum likes it much, and if I recall correctly, she did say that my sis looked like a ' punky rat' or something *haha*:

Sis: Isn't my hair nice!
*silence*
Mum: Yes, you look very punk. But that's real hair? EEYEW!
* me laughing to myself*
Sis: Well, lynette and nat both think it's nice ok
Me: Let me see * turns around and feels the long strands of technicoloured hair* Wow! It's so long! Mummy, Can you please take me to Le Salon to get hair extensions too!
Mum: No! You can go to the place your sister went... it's very nice.

hahaha....

Man, I love my family. We put the fun back in dysfunctinonal.

half a post

2006-03-30T05:44:00.000+01:00

Met up with Anne and Sebbers at Tango's and spent $146 in total. How did that happen? Since when did Singapore get so expensive? Oh well, it was good fun. Lots of catching up was done and lots of random texts received which is always good.

It was great seeing Annie after so long, she made me wait 5 minutes :( I guess that is an improvement from Jint's 40minutes. That's right, Me! Waiting for 40 minutes! I can't believe I had it in me to be so patient. On the way to HollandV my mum came out with one of her classic sayings, 'you're friends proabably view you as some rich kid...you know how rich kids are.... they're so intolerant of suffering' . 'Intolerant of Suffering', haha,classic. Just like how she describes English Yobs as Ahbengs who have 'let themselves go'.

With reference to the 'rich kid' thing, I'm not rich, and I'm not spoilt. I may give off the impression of being a real brat, but I am really not one.
Bah, I'm a voice in the wilderness I am.

Nothing much planned today except holing myself up in the National Library later on. My stomach is eating itself at the present moment and I really like Korn's Twisted Transistor video, it's funny. Ooh Jimmy Neutron is on now!!! YAY!!!! I <3 Jimmy Neutron. My favourite character being Sheen :D

Reminder to myself, call Strip right about now. Or maybe later.

JIMMY NEUTRON! :D :D

Something

2006-03-29T05:14:00.000+01:00

Trust me
It's Paradise
This is where the hungry comes to feed
For mine is a generation that circles the globe
in search of something we haven't tried before
so never refuse an invitation
never resist the unfamiliar
never fail to be polite
and never outstay your welcome
just keep your mind open and
suck in the experience
and if it hurts
you know what... it's probably worth it

you hope, and you dream
but you never believe that something is gonna happen to you
not like it does in the movies
and when it actually does
you expect it to feel different
more visceral
more real
I was waiting for it to hit me
Hit me

I still believe in paradise
but now at least I know it's not some place you can look for
cause it's not where you go
it's how you feel for a moment in your life
and if you find that moment
It will last forever

Sleeping Pills

2006-03-27T19:28:00.000+01:00

So it's 2.30 am now and it will be like this for the next week I'm guessing. Sorry guys, but I reckon you'll have to save me from drowning in my drinks or getting run over by cars when I collapse asleep in the middle of a road.

Popped a melatonin at 8pm and dozed off till mr Sprinkles decided that it was a good time to ring me persistantly to talk about... our July holiday. I managed to doze off again till he called 2 hours later to tell me he was polishing his boots. *rolls eyes*. It was at 11 pm that I realised there was no way I could muster up enough meltatonin juices to send me back off to sleep so I sat in my toilet having a gaff.

Half an hour later it was my turn to give him a text blaming him for my insomnia. He called back and we ended up talking for two hours about... our July holiday. Very crucial issues were raised like sleeping arrangements and our activities for the week which in the end, seems to be a week of hardcore ninja training for sprinkles,punctuated by trips to the redlight district in Tokyo. It seems Sprinkles is forgetting it is OUR holiday but oh well. Sprinkle gets what Sprinkle wants. I of course, will be left at the mercy of ninja's and perverts. If I do not return from this trip you guys know where to find me. I'll probably be in a Russian brothel under the name nikita serving Vodka in kegs to murderer's and rapists and it will all be Sprinkle's fault.

' I think it'll be better if we have separate rooms' mumbles Sprinkles, ' coz you know, this boy-girl thing ...if we sleep in the same room...not very good la'. Yea Sprinkles, sure. But I get scared when I'm left alone in a hotel room by myself. Who knows what will spring out of the shower or cupboard when I least expect it. Besides, we're friends, obviously nothing will happen. Yea, nothing will happen because I'm not submissive and frail enough for him,teehee... Reading between the lines I'm guessing Sprinkles is anticipating some action with a hot tokyo prozzy which of course, he can have as long as i'm not there. I'll just wait in the hotel bar by myself. See you in Russia Sprinkles, remember,the name's Nikita.

Anyway, having polished his boots we say goodnight and I still find myself all jumpy and fidgety *turns to sprinkles and snarls*. I got a dormicum off my mum and I'm still the same. Damn this jet lag.

Back

2006-03-26T16:06:00.000+01:00

2 hours into Singapore time and I found myself in Holland V. Harry's Bar to be precise.
Jint was late but I noticed I was smiling to myself. It might have been the familiar tinkling of Cherry Brandy 7up in my glass, or the balmy heat of Singapore weather which permitted me to walk around in just my tank. It was brilliant. I even enjoyed eaves-dropping into a typical Singaporean conversation and savouring the muffled diction and lazy slurs of S'pore slang:

Lady 1: Yah, so he cheated on her la.. and now, *sigh*,she's on tranquilisers....
Lady 2: Hah! So bad one ah!
Lady 1: Yar lo, and somemore he is divorcing his wife to go with her.... and he never even do that for me...

a few more sips later...
Man 1: wah! BIIIIRRDD FLUUUUU!!!!

*awkward silence* budabum chh...
Only in Singapore can you find random conversations like these.

I love Singapore. I love my texas 5 ice, I love my CB7up, I love Jint, I love Strip.

Further update, I had caught RENT twice on the plane and have decided to pursue my ultimate fantasy of being a poledancer. Egged on by Jint who claims that I remind her of Mimi from RENT, I'll be looking up classes real soon. To all you out there who have scoffed at my fantasy, pooh to you... no more messing around playground poles and lamp posts anymore.

munchies

2006-03-25T09:51:00.000Z

I should be getting up in 10 minutes ,but seeing as I have woken up 2 hours earlier than expected, I doubt I'll be able to slip back to sleep.

Still have some bit of packing to do. What does it mean when I'm more excited about the monotonous coach ride to the airport than the flight itself. I will miss my bad habits that I have honed into an artful routine- wakeup,smoke,change,school,smoke,(maybe lunch), computer,smoke,music, drink, smoke (food slips in somewhere). Back home it will be a new, healthier routine that I know,will sap the life out of me. For starters I'll have to cut down on my cancer sticks, run around the NIE track (maybeI can sneak one in here), and limit my alcky intake to twice a week.

Looking down at my suitcase I notice a trend in the clothes I have lovingly chucked ino it. Black, White, Navy, Black, White, Navy. At this rate I'm well prepared for a) a funeral, b) enlistment into the navy, c) a job in a restaurant. I sigh at the thought of having to lift my body weight down the precarious flight of stairs. There's a voice in my head chiding me to have a smoke, I need it it says and I resist the urge. Then I realise that I am weak and light up.

Before I forget, Eve's party last night was good. The food was great, the company hilarious, it was the best fun I've had in some time and I wasn't even drunk.

Anyway, the 10 minutes is up.
See you in Singapore.

Laffy Taffy

2006-03-24T18:04:00.000Z

You know how you can meet a complete stranger and yet feel that you've known each other for eons. There's this strange, secret bond the two of you share that will even let you share drinks with no qualms, or know instinctively what the other is thinking (and if you're lucky, feeling). Where sending intimate texts mere hours upon meeting seems less of an obsessive tendency than a logical continuation of some unspoken conversation.

He looked at me and I could have sworn I had seen that look somewhere before. The underlying insecurity that betrayed his pompous confidence was familiar. His walk (or swagger) mirrored a gait that I could not place. He grabbed my packet of cigarrettes and slipped one into his mouth, inhaled and looked away. I placed my hand in his pocket to reach for some loose change, everything was familiar yet startlingly different at the same time. We looked at each other and I scrunched up my face, he laughed and playfully pushed me away. It was in the long silence that we became strangers again.

Maybe I should start believing in reincarnation.

Anyway...

I was buzzing today. No I was clean. I was buzzing from the thought of being back in Singapore. I have forgotten how much I've missed that bloomin' place. *jittery* bouncy* , I wanna leave now now now. Tomorrow couldn't come too soon. I'm flying back tomorrow. Can't wait. Can't wait. Can't wait. I know I'm repeating myself, but seriously, I CAN HARDLY WAIT! Singapore here I come, ready or not.

Yah! I've forgotten the time!
Got to run, Got a party to go to and I'm still in my lazy clothes! Shite!!

all that you can't leave behind

2006-03-23T12:37:00.000Z

Nothing much happened yesterday or today either.

I lost a bid on ebay for that Black Balenciaga I really coveted. It went for £105. Thank god I lost. If I had won it there would have been alot of explaining to do. Sitting at her computer my face was burning up in the stress of those last minutes. Ebay is an addiction. I have to quit it soon.

I was in a rut.

It might have been the lost bid, or the insatiable hunger for something different that made me drag them out for a drink. There was noone to stop us so I got tipsy. Chugging down those bottles, over the temporal high, I still felt the same. A man in an afro stood at the steps staring at me.I smiled back. Beneath the fake moustache, tacky retro glasses, cheap afro wig, and beyond the depressive Westlife playing in the background, he was good looking. I liked him. When we got up to leave he turned around and waved goodbye to us. I waved goodbye too like we were old friends. With that casual wave ,it said 'see you later', but we meant 'fancy you. Bye forever, stanger'. Then we stepped out into the cold.

Erase and rewind to several hours before, I sat in Z's empty room waiting for her to come back from school. Played around with her things, drew on her receipts and then made a connection. What were the chances . I can't be arsed to go into detail here, I'll leave it for another day.

Polished off two packets of Hula Hoops later in the night. I didn't want to be alone so I had Z stay with me. Feeling old in our clothes we had a shower. I couldn' t hear her over the running water. I stood in the last cubicle. It is the darkest of all three and my favourtie place in the house. It is always the same. Filling the space with the hot perfume of my soap it made me think of home.

Z slept with me again last night.

Today we took some Alis test and I was reminded of my unfathomable inability to answer MCQ questions. They confuse me. Surely there has to be more to an answerr that yes/no, black and white facts. 'Rate the teaching in your school.' 5? 6? What exactly does each digit represent? Is 5 much different from 6? If so, what is the deciding factor which determines that 1 point. I was always crap at things like that.We took it last year as well. We had to answer questions on geometry and arithmetic in general. Needless to say ,I was stumped. Sat there for ages trying to recall ancient theories of flipping fractions and manipulating equations. My answers didn't tally but it was the best I could do. Maybe I'm just a retard in more ways than one.

Someone came into my room at 8.20 am. I heard the door creak open, and I heard the pause before it shut. Z and I wondered who it was who saw. We looked a little ridiculous with our bodies lying parallel, contorted to the confined space of a single bed. We have come a long way from living like coolies. I had slept falling last night.

We read our school reports today, as expected, mine was toilet paper. I don't even care anymore. As long as they think i'm intelligent, I'll let my intelligence salvage me from this rot i'm in.

Before we break up I have to record the only achievement I am proud of this whole term. I have not gone to a single session of field in all these 3 months. *bow bow*. I could have gone this week, but I decided to leave my impeccable absentee record untarnished.

From: Tan, Lavinia
Sent: 14 March 2006 14:55
To: Mrs R Guest
Subject: Multi-Gym, 14/03

Dear Mrs Guest,

I am very sorry for not being able to attend field today, it seems my viral infection has come back again as my glands are very swollen. I feel that it would be beneficial for me to rest until next term by which I time I would have fully recovered. I am very sorry for my sporadic attendance record this term and sincerely apologize for all the trouble this has caused.

Thank you for your understanding,

Lavinia Tan

SFC 2 G

HAHA. This has been going on all this term, score.

On a separate note, I do indulge in other activities which do call for a certain amount of physical exersion:

1) sit on your bed/at your desk
2) rotate your right ankle around clockwise in the air
3) draw a 6 in the air with your right hand
4) Notice your foot changes direction!! (how cool is that?!)

Also, Z and I have mastered the dance routine of Monica and Ross, it looks so wicked. Albeit a tad lame and stupid, but who cares! *Boys... the trouble with boys... blablabla* * body wave*

Anyway, this is a boring post because I lead a boring life. It's the tail end of term and there's nothing much happening, just alot of waiting, and as we all know, nothing much happens in limbo. I have to pack but I cant be arsed. I don't want to go to heathrow, it's a stinkhole, well, at least I can stuff myself with T.G.I.F's. I'm gutted they closed T.G.I.F's in Singapore, it used to be my favourite hangout joint as a kid. Well, not that I had much say as to where I would have liked to hang as a kid,but it was the one of the few restaurants I enjoyed going to. I boycott Fish&Co now because it's not T.G.I.F's,and I bet they don't have crayons there.

Maybe somewhere else won't be half as cold as me.

Sesame Street

2006-03-21T18:46:00.000Z

In history today S told me that having spoken to Chief a few days back he had asked about me. It was exciting news because after all this time he still remembers me. " Where your girl be at", quoted S, *swoon*

Back in October, on some random evening in New York, S had invited Al and I along to her visit to her aunt in Brooklyn. I remember the long row of busy new yorkers packed in the subway carriage. Like a typical scene off a hollywood film, every character embodied a certain perfected stereotype. The weary businessman- A man dressed in a sloppy trenchcoat hugged his briefcase, nodding off to sleep. The black frazzled housewife longing for improved career options- The woman on my left was reading through college applications.A middle-aged woman, she was more engross in her college material than I, as a student would ever be. Through the scratched window panes of the subway, I observed the subway stations lose their lustre the closer we got to Brooklyn. Polished mosiac tiles gave way to clean cement,and later, rough plaster adorned with vibrant grafitti. It was thrilling.

A young black man,probably in his late teens strolled into our carriage somewhere between the clean cement and graffitied plaster. He wore a black bomber/rapper jacket with red detailing on the back and leant casually against the railing in front of us. The first thought that came into my head was, 'shit. We're going to get mugged', but this eventually gave way to ,'man, he is fiiiiiine....'. He looked over to me and smiled. I smiled back. My first encounter with a Brooklyn homeboy. Check.

Stepping onto the Brooklyn platform, the sensations the three of us were experiencing were far from sweet. Lost in a sea of afro-carribeans, the glaring flourescent lighting of the station fell hard on each grim face. A group of middle-aged men compensating for their missed years of 'thug-life' had decided to catch up by shouting some rudely suggestive one-liners at us. We gripped each other harder and pressed on, fighting our way through the crowd of grim faces. S frantically dialed Chief's number, muttering 'Where is that boy, Where is that boy' in the hope that our desperation might evoke some urgency telepathically to that boy. When we finally reached the light at the end of the tunnel- there was none. Night had finally set in and the streets were bathed in blinding darkness. To add to our misery, it began to pour heavy, oppressive buckets. It was standing in the heart of Brooklyn that we began to feel really inadequate and not to mention, stupid. S with her pashmena scarf coiled like an expensive snake around her neck, Al with her designer glasses and immaculate hair, and me, in my DKNY coat totting my matt&nat original. It was surprising we managed to survive 5 minutes unaccompanied.

Suddenly, like an oasis in the desert, a ray of hope in the gloom, Chief turned up to save us from potential disaster. A tall young man ,he was rather good looking. Shaved head, very rough and thug, he greeted S with a warm bear hug. We then introduced ourselves, but formalities had to be put on hold seeing as the rain was drowning us 3 like sewer rats. Chief, as his name suggests, was impervious to the elements and guided us fragile flowers to his family's apartment. All this time I was smitten by his accent ,' Hey Gurrl! Haven seen ya in ages man! Where you be at?' ...
Oh it was SO hot.

Braving the rain, Al was picked up by an earnest looking young thug (an oxymoronic statement if you ever heard one), who was very keen on her. No doubt Al is beautiful, what with her big eyes, perfect face structure, killer bod....Humbly walking by her he struck up a conversation and upon learning that we were from the UK, welcomed us to Brooklyn. What a nice boy.Albeit a little creepy.

When we got to his apartment , some of Chief's friends were chillin' in his crib,yo, and they were so good looking it was unbearable. They followed us upstairs and I could have just melted from the pure heat that they generated in the room. As Chief and his friend sat themselves behind us it was difficult to turn and admire, but now and then I would turn to see that his friend was staring at me. Literally, eyeball to eyeball. Or eyeball to the back of my head. Either way, I didn't mind because he was so good looking. There were no white boys there to dilute the intensity of the black thug vibe. Strangely enough, they wore the same black bomber with red detailing as the boy in the subway. Reflecting upon it now, I reckon they must have belonged to some Brooklyn gang, but they are hot gangsta's so all is forgiven. And their accents! Their voices! *gush* I have yet to hear another voice as sexy as that of a Brooklyn black boy. It was love....

The boys left the apartment after sometime and we were left with S's cousin Stacey who was gorgeous too. (This is of course, was to be expected as she hangs out with fiddy and pdiddy on a regular basis. ) As she showed us pictures of the different parties' she had attended, she suddenly turned to me and held my confused gaze. It was at this moment that my life flashed before my eyes as S's warnings rang sharply in my ear,' Stacey is psychotic...She's punched a girl before... Man,I'm scared of her... I would never dare to get on her bad side'. My heart stopped and I thought I was going to pass out.

'Oh My God,' began Stacey, My body froze.
' F***', my voice of conscience went.
' You are so beautiful' she continued.
I turned around and looked at Al giving Stacey the benefit of the doubt that maybe, she might be cross-eyed and meant to have been looking at Al. It was apparent I had mistaken the almighty Stacey, but choosing to err on the side of caution, I went 'her? Yea she is', pointing to Al. 'No, I mean you! No offence (looking at Al this time), You're beautiful too ,but you (bringing her gaze back to me), Your lips! They're like Angelina Jolie's! Your face! You're beautiful!'.

My face went red hot and I can't remember what happened after. I might have passed out, or delirium might have paralysed my short-term memory, but suddenly Stacey wasn't that intimidating anymore. Me and my ego deemed her a gem. I was a little suspicious of Stacey as I felt less than glamorous with my rain-soaked hair and tired demeanor. But even so, it was nice of her to choose to complement me rather than beat me to the ground, very hospitable.

Having left Brooklyn and finally New York, the people we had met will never leave me. In particular, Chief and his homies, Stacey and her rap stars would always have a place in my heart. As they say, there's always a first time for everything, and this having been my first time in the Big Apple, meant everything. It has been some time and it never occurred to me to pay NY a tribute. (I turned 18 in New York.)

Sigh, New York, Brooklyn, I love you, I love your black thugsters (well, the civilised ones), I will see you again...and again.... and again....
X

This is Brooklyn in the day.

Now picture it pitch black, pouring and crowded.

That was our Brooklyn.

Mirror Kissers

2006-03-20T18:19:00.000Z

* has come to stay for a week which of course, complicates things
? shuffled into my room in a somewhat of a state.
'Isn't it going to be rather awkward for the two of you...being in the same house...'
? nodded profusely. It is bound to be at the end of such a whirlwind romance.

Sigh...girls ,girls ,girls....

Smile Like You Mean It

2006-03-19T18:55:00.000Z

It was St Pat's day this friday, and seeing as the races were on ,we were gated and were left to our own devices. Bad idea.

Other than that evil £1 bottle of pure, unadulterated headrushes, it was a rather peaceful night. I serenaded Anna with my newly acquired guitar-playing skills. (Sh, don't tell anita, she knows nothing of this. ) When A snuck the bottle of heavenly nectar out of her ominous black Chloe Paddington I squealed in glee, it was the best surprise anyone had given me in some time. It is upon some reflection that I realise what a sinister turn my life has taken since this year. I remember when 'fun' was associated with knee-grazing, head spinning delirium. Now it is more of how much I can separate myself from reality through intoxication and similar poisons. Is this as good as it gets?

Needless to say, when Saturday reared its sinister head around the corner, the pressure was on. It began with being subjected to an hour of slow-death by Class Civ radio. It was basically a long, painful debate about Aeschylus' Oresteia. Honestly, who cares if ancient greeks minded sitting for 9hours straight watching a tragedy trilogy, it's not like you're the one sitting there right? Who cares if Clytemnestra is evil or not? I'm just fecking BORED! Ooh, shucks, there's lint on my jumper... God I hate C... Man, my classmates suck... My it's cold today... Cool screensaver....

Thankfully, things picked up in the evening. Headed down to Yates' and danced like there was no tomorrow, till my tank went semi- transparent, and till I couldn't breathe.

To say that I had absolute mindblowing fun would be a lie. I probably had more fun trying to find a pair of heels to match my ensemble than I did out. It's all the same after awhile.There will always be new jokes to crack, new people to meet, new camera's spying on you (big brother's watching), but the feeling's still the same. We're still the same. The high eventually wears off and reality slaps you hard in the face screaming 'where have you been?!' You sit stunned and sigh, concious of the fact your breath reeks of your chosen poison. And still, we have to face ourselves for yet another day.
_

I have come to realise how psychotic people in this school really are. And then I look at myself and realise I am one too. I used to think I could tolerate her, till I saw her again and her whining just made me want to slap her hard across the face. I've never slapped someone before, but if I could she'd be shitting skittles out her ass. I hate the way she inflicts her insecurities on others. Watching her in the Library I could have thrown my magazine in her face. Instead I just looked down, let her call me darling and kiss me whilst she ribbed the others. Maybe I'm just as despicable as she is. I make me sick. You make me sick. We make ourselves sick.

And then I go back and it's the same thing all over again. I make you sick, you make me sick, yet we still stay together out of habit.

In the dark we could have saved each other, if we saw each other to begin with.
-

Who would have known Queen Christina would have inspired a desperate movie marathon?
Watched Spirited Away this saturday. Yet another movie with reference to Japanese culture and my heart was aching to be there. I loved it tremendously but it made me sad I can't speak a word of Japanese other than Sashimi,Udon and other names of Japanese cuisine. I will live in Japan one day, if that will change anything.

PG-1000

2006-03-16T17:11:00.000Z

Finally got round to watch Queen Christina *yay*. It was so good! I love greta garbo! She kinda reminded me of my ex tuition teacher from the way she strode across the set in her very macho yet feminine way. Caught the scene made famous by Zefferelli's The Dreamers...

Antonio: What are you doing?
Christina: I'm memorizing this room... in the future... in my memory... I shall live a great deal in this room

Go GARBO!!!

Watched 2046 today. It was rather long; 2 hours to be precise *yawn*.
Don't get me wrong, I really liked it, it's just that two hours is a long time to be sitting on a beanbag with your head bent and legs stretched behind you. I lie, it's quite relaxing to contort yourself now and then.
Anyway...

Aside from that, the idea behind the movie was good, the shooting was good,editing needed more work, and Ziyi Zhang was actually good in this film *surprise*. My enjoyment of this movie probably rested largely on the fact that I was able to identify with the concept they were trying to get across. In many ways this movie reminded me of one of my test essays where I have not mastered the text and just end up rambling off loads to fool the examiner into thinking I know some stuff. Like my essays, this movie took ages to get to the point, and when it did get to a point,it would fly off tangent again with a random shot of an android.

However, after thinking real hard, from what I gather of 2046, is that Kar Wai( yea,we're on first name basis now, we should be after I stomached 2hours of his film), just wants to put across the idea that no matter how we dwell on the past,we're never able to get it back. Like sleazy (but good actor) Tony Leung says ,' it's no good meeting the right person.. too soon or too late...' because everything in life is all about having the right timing...or something like that. I wish I could say something really poignant about the film, but it was more of a catharsis for me. Clever filming techniques, the people in the movie were always framed and trapped within the confines of walls/ curtains creating a sense of stifling entrapment which echo the mental and emotional constriction felt by its protaganists. *buddabum chhh*

Good flick,' Bai Ling' and Tony very scarily paralleled my life, I wasn't the only one freaked.

(Lush is playing 'Trigger Hippy'..Man, haven't heard that song in AGES! I HEART IT! )

Kimura Takuya is HOT!! Omg! I can just keel over from heart arrest just looking at this punk! He's way HOT in 2046 as Tak. Gah! Why are Jap guys so bloody hot and Sporean/ Gloucestershire dudes all... ikan bilis like. Omg! Kimura Takuya, you are a GOD. A God. I think. Surprising though, there are hardly any good pics of him. But he got me through 2 hrs of 2046... sexy beast *drool, sweat*

ps: I would really love to watch art films in Singapore. Does Singapore have any arty- indie type cinema's like those along Notting Hill? It's pretty useless on the art film scene isn't it. Thought so :( Anyway, if any of you are up for bringing me along should you know of them, please be nice and drop me a text. I'LL PAY YOU! Ok,no i'm not serious. I'll buy you a drink....

Guilty Pleasures

2006-03-16T12:13:00.000Z

Missed the pictures? Ok, well even if you haven't, I've missed some colour.

I was distressed yesterday because I have such a short time to shed all my winter fat. My desperation had me employing the expertise of my darling Lawrence. Now I have to record what I've eaten for the next three days and he'll draw up a workout regime for me. Phew, I feel tired just typing this out. I'm screwed.

I'm gutted I have to eat healthily :(
Yesterday's Food Log:
-Beans on Toast
-MaccyD fries
- KFC popcorn Chicken/ Fries
- 2 Aero Chocolate bars
- 2 Vodka/ Sprites
How ever am I going to get healthy remains a mystery.

Food, glorious food

Like with most things, I have a love-hate relationship with food. I love eating food,but once I'm done stuffing my face I hate the smell of food- airborne calories make me sick. Food is such a waste of time, yet why can't I just stop eating. I reckon when I grow old I'm going to turn into one of those fat jabba people who have to be wiped down in sections,then lifted by a crane through a hole in the wall for occasional airing, only to be lathered down with anti-rash cream from lying in bed for too long,immobile. I love smoking, but once the smoke blows back into my face stinging my eyes till they start tearing,I could just snap every one of those cancer sticks in twain to spite them. Then two hours pass and I start fidgeting, my legs shake in a really annoying way which leads people like Chris to say that I'm sexually frustrated, because that's apparently what you do when you're not getting any. That's true, those cigs are my lovah's... take them in,breathe them out..easy.

I reckon I need one of those JoeyNY Lipnix Lipsticks:

On-the-record promise: Firms and plumps lips to give you that perfect pout.

Secret powers: Appetite-inhibiting plant essences (peppermint, grapefruit, spearmint) help you stop eating so much; flower extracts including heliochrysum and geranium supposedly curb the urge to smoke.

The expert says: Says Wechsler, “The placebo effect can be very powerful.”

If they say so, sounds sweet. You would think beauty magazines would give you tips on how to stay radiant,look like a goddess, and be an all round sexy beast but no. The fashion magazine of today tells you to experiment with valium&alcohol to get whacked off your head. Now this is what I'm talking about. None of that 'You're beautiful,if you go for a nose job,lip job,botox, boob job,butt job, hairextensions job,and basically rearrange- your- whole- face-so- you-look-nothing-like-you job' crap. Give us something we can work with, like our livers. I'm glad they have finally come to their senses and given us mere mortals an activity we can all enjoy; abusing our nervous systems.

Finally WH Smith's decides to stock I.D magazine. What took them so long, those losers. Also, I have found a fashion magazine I can tolerate, barely. Elle.

In our utter state of boredom and my slightly tipsy state last night I gave the big Z a makeover!! We bumped into C the other day in the streets and she had her whole face painted over because some lady at Estee Lauder decided to do her the favour of giving her a makeover. She was painted a whitey-beige. Quite becoming actually.

I wish I had my long hair back. She reminds me of me...*reminisce*sigh*swoon*

In Z's own words ,' in essence you're a good makeup artist...until you start going crazy'.

Haha...trying to recreate the Moschino look. I think it's rather fancy. The lips are tres cool, but I particularly dig the eye makeup I did for her. I actually went through a phase where I insisted on making my eyes up like that to go out. Needless to say not everyone was appreciative of my creative efforts.... like a voice in the wilderness, noone pays heed to my eternal creative wisdom

Harajuku Lovahs Hai Chi Zi! Kawaii! Bling Bling Yoko Ono!

So we got rid of the fancy schmancy lipstick and I think she looks wicked!

Very Angelina Jolie in a way,with the hair and shadowed eyes...

Yea!

On to bigger and brighter things... My shoe collection!!!

I just bought me-self a new pair of shoes! The roman sandals you see in the picture are my recent purchase. Can't wait to wear them in Singapore, so bohemian, tres tres chic! Mes Oui! need more shoes... Can't keep wearing the same ones over and over again now can we....

St Pat's day tomorrow!! Time to get trashed.. Irish style..

Mrs G just came to talk to me about us gang of smokers stinking up the corridoor. I actually had to suck up this time which I haven't done in about....5 years and it felt totally...abnormal. I reckon if someone was filming the whole 'talk' we had it would have shown me contorting my face into some heinously pained expression of amiability,maybe bleeding at the nose abit from all the effort. I am so bad at brown-nosing it's a little scary. Someone told me that to perfect the art of kissingchutties you have to raise your voice pitch a notch or two ,so i tried that,but my sore throat got in the way and I ended up sounding like a pubescent 13 yr old boy. It was tiring work seeing as it didn't exactly help to curry favour in any way. Damn. Now I know why I wasn't topofthepops with my teachers....

Oh yea, forgot to add. Yesterday I was taking root in my beanbag, preparing to rot in my room when Inman gave me a call and we went skipping out to town. Somehow, very oddy, we ended up at the restoration where I very nicely , proved myself a lightweight. 50Cent came on and I do recall jumping on the couch and pressing myself against the speaker whispering to it. Smooth eh. But the highlight of yesterday's trip was riding in Ollie's car. He's such a KEWL driver,I love riding in cars with guys, they're such AWESOME drivers. Like how whatshername puts it, when guys drive fast you always feel safe,in a way. With girls' however, you always feel you're at the mercy of another hormonal attack which might possess them into swerving into a lampost just to prove a point. Ollie is cool, but I prefer Tim, but then again ,who am I to judge, I'm just another drunk.

Just Say No!

2006-03-14T20:48:00.000Z

So basically, I don't know about you, but I get these random thoughts now and then of what I would be like had I been born male. I have since come to the conclusion that I would have been a stud and would have aged into an asian Karl Lagerfield. However, I have also decided that being a boy would just have been too dreadfully dull and tiresome. This is especially since 90% of my actions would probably be motivated by the idea of penetration. How dreadfully... mindnumbing. Furthermore, I would probably die a male virgin seeing as there are hardly any attractive Singaporean females about; and they wonder why the national birthrate has fallen. Blame it on the fugly women! If I had to face a typial Singaporean woman everyday I wouldn't be surprised if my libido just shrivelled and fossilised into solid impotent crystals. Then again, I am utterly biased against Singaporean women, being one myself I know I should be singing their praises, but I can't. They suck. Period.

What would you do if you were the opposite gender for exactly 24 hours?
As for me, here's what my schedule would look like (this was written by a friend of a friend who happens to be a guy... teehee):

8am: Holy crap! I don't have a morning woody? MY PENIS IS GONE! (proceeds to poke at vagina. Laughs maniacally.)
9:07am: Shit, that was fun.
9:10am: (Looking into mirror) Wait, I'm still a guy--my boobs are nonexistent. Nevermind, I'm Asian.
9:11am: Peeing is such a hassle. wtf.
9:12am: Women never fart, or so it seems. Time to change all that. ::goes next to brother:: "TAKE THAT!"
8:15am: My hair looks lovely today. Maybe I'll spend a few minutes making it look nice.
10:47am: "Crap, how the heck did time go by so fast?"
10:50am: This vagina looks funny.
11:10am: "Oooh, gossip news!"
12pm: "OMG, GENERAL HOSPITAL!"
1pm: (tearing) "WHY? WHY DID YOU BREAK UP? HE DOESN'T DESERVE THAT!" (Kicks over the TV. Brother stares emotionless)
1:30pm: Time to get myself breakfast.
1:45pm: Arrives at McDonalds. "I'll have a number two, super-sized, 2 apple pies, an order of mozarella sticks, a McChicken sandwich, and a chocolate sundae."
1:46pm: Male cashier is still puzzled over my order.
2:08pm: (loud belch) The customers stare at me bewildered.
2:10pm: (walks by male cashier) Maybe I'll have some more dessert with you later. (wink)2:11pm: Damn, messing with guys heads IS fun. No wonder girls do this so often.
3:45pm: Hits the arcade
4:17pm: Proceeds to annihilate all male contenders at Street Fighter vs SNK.
4:49pm: Males become frustrated and confused.
4:50pm: "Yeah, that's a shame."
5:30pm: Proceeds to extremely-filled basketball court
5:33pm: "Can I get next?""Uhh..uhhh...sure!," the male pack-leader stutters.
5:34pm: (thinks to self) Damn, it's that easy to get onto the court just with boobs?
5:50pm: Attempts an AND1 crossover-pass behind the back which ends up hitting a teammate in the nose. "Oooooh, ouch. Sorry. Walk it off."
5:51pm: Goddamn, it's getting hot. Time to take off my shirt.
5:52pm: Why is everyone staring at me? "OH SHIET!" (Quickly grabs shirt and covers already-exposed boobs). "Okay, so you all got a free peep show. Now shut up." Oh my god, that was embarassing. Now I know how Tara Reid feels.
6:15pm: (Discovers a new offensive move: groping my boobs in front of the ballhandler) Works every time.
7pm: Farking exhausted. How the heck do other girls walk all day around the mall?
7:30pm: Time for pr0n. Be back later.
8pm: Interesting to say the least.
8:20pm: Takes numerous photos for MySpace. BOOB SHOT!
8:50pm: Hmm...a visit to the bar sounds fun.
9:30pm: Shower time. Should be quick.
10:15pm: WTF! Why are my showers taking forever?
10:30pm: SOMEONE GET ME OUT OF HERE!
10:33pm: (Pokes at boob)
10:45pm: FINALLY! It's like there's a magnet that keeps you from escaping the bathroom.
11:50pm: Arrives in city.
12am: WOOOO! Body shots galore!
12:20am: Shot number..wha? 6? HOT!
1:36am: "Yeah? And your mother likes it rough...like your sandpaper-like hands, bietch!"
5am: (Looks around, notice that I'm inside a toilet bowl) "ECHO! ECHO!" (Proceeds to nap some more)
9:15am: Damnit! Morning woody.

Faff

2006-03-14T19:32:00.000Z

It was an eventful day. Despite skiving off field under the pretence of having swollen glands ( I suspect I might actually have them), I was dragged kicking and screaming to town to do some shopping. Ok, maybe not kicking and screaming, struggling and whining, ok maybe not that even, grunting and sighing....ok ,fine, I did want to go, so it didn't take much persuasion, happy now.

For starters, I am heartbroken because topshop Uk doesn't stock those Brogue heels in my size anymore. Why was I so stupid! Why couldn't I have followed my instinctive covetous nature and just bought those damn things months ago when they first came out! Now,alas, I must suffer the heavy penalty of being without those Brogue heels. Curses, Curses, Curses.

However, I consoled myself by splurging on a low cut shortish knit dress, roman sandals and the coolest pair of baggy cotton lounge trousers. I shudder to think how much I've spent today. I would upload the pictures but, you guessed it, blogger is being lame. Again. Anyway, big news... I will be getting my very own slip sometime soon to wear with my dress/top (When I can be arsed to go shopping again). Gawd guys! Can you ever leave a girl in peace! Also, I think I've gone up a size! Yay! I think, I hope, I should get it checked just to be on the safe side, don't want to be nursing false hopes and all.

Anyway, off to watch the Constant Gardener now... sigh, I'm SO stressed!!!

Dedicated,Just for You

2006-03-13T19:04:00.000Z

After a very fruitful day of being tired, bored and distracted I thought I would treat myself to a movie. My first in about a month .The Wicker Man was my first choice because my dad got it free with a copy of the Times ages ago and has been nagging at me ever since to give it a shot.

Being the dutiful daughter I was, I gave it a shot and IT WAS AMAZING!!!!!!!! *hysterics*
It's just about one of the best shows I have ever watched. It is so creepy and so stuffed full of symbolism and interesting visuals *ahem*, that you would be mad not to love it. It stars Christopher lee as Lord Summerisle (i.e leader of a whole bunch of mad deluded pagans).

If you didn't know the plot already, it is basically about an officer who got sent to this isle off the scottish mainland following a report on a missing girl. He turns up and everyone doesn't seem to know what he's talking about. This is played up against a whole background of very strange pagan rituals with very graphic shots (like umbilical cords, putting toads into mouths, dead puppies) which are very tastefully done (believe me, carcasses can look slick). Needless to say everything is not what it seems, or rather,everything is what it seems therefore making it even scarier.

Mostly shot in the daylight this movie's creepy feel is taken up a notch as everyone cavorts in their mad practices in the open, suggesting deeper madness afoot. You will love it. Even if you're a real wimpy buns and faint at the slightest suggestion of gore, you will be able to stomach this. Everyone will be able to stomach this seeing as the scariest shot in the movie was Christopher Lee dressed up as a manwoman.

Sigh... Christopher Lee.... I grovel at your feet. Now I understand how he can be a scottish Charlie Manson.. *swoon*,I would so join a crazy pagan cult for him, jumping naked over bonfires and what not... *siiiiigh*

-sorry,pictures unavailable to illustrate my points, blogspot being lame-

On a separate note...

I've relieved some of my tension online by addressing the issue of retail procrastination. I have been promising to get my hands on a list of DVDs for ages but alas alack, have been just too darn lazy. I resisted the urge to buy The L Word simply because it is a tv series and I don't really wish to bend my sexuality, right now at least, it's too much of an effort.

Instead,this is my list of dvd purchases:
1. 2046
2. What's Eating Gilbert Grape
3. Spirited Away
4. Innocence

What I wish to get but for some reason, didn't:
1. Raise the red lantern
2. Ma Mere ( too R rated to appear on my credit card bill)

Anyway....

I can't wait to go back! Listening to Lush radio right now and it's just reminding me so badly of my room back in spore. It makes me think of how I'd turn it on in the middle of the night, with my room dimly lit by candles, incense burning, the fan overhead gently whirring and the weather warm enough to just walk around in my fav ck boyshorts...aw shucks! I want to go home now! Those who have stayed over before will know how chilled/sexy my room can get ,even if I do say do myself heehee.... Damn Lush for making me so utterly homesick.

At the same time I am dreading the plane ride back. You would think I would have come up with a solution to help deal with plane hair considering what a veteran I am at flying. The prospect of peanuts and in-flight movies is a real perk though. Singapore here I come! Bring it ooooonnn!!!!! yee har!

Ways & Means

2006-03-12T12:11:00.000Z

In reference to miss 'Maurice's' tag, I'm not THAT short...Okay, maybe I am a little vertically challenged, but I think I make up for it with my larger-than-life personality, don't I ,MAURICE.

Yea, that's me...

On a separate note, I have concluded that although smoking busts up my throat, it does have its perks. This morning as I was in deep fantasy , Lala came into my room beckoning me to her hovel to share a gaff (or a million). Needless to say I needed little persuasion, with my explosive hair and geeky glasses I shuffled off with her to chill in her 'crib'. May I just say, she has the coolest guitar and the most awesome chords under her belt and I could have just sat there for all eternity smoking and listening to her strumming it out to Nirvana and the Chili Peppers.

My favourite song was 'Let Me Go' by 3 Doors down just because the chords sound so round and it just sounds awesome played along with the band themselves. Almost busting my wrist to get my tiny hands round the guitar I actually learnt how to play it! I'm so excited! :D I can't wait till my dad gets my sis her guitar (damn that girl, she asked for an acoustic), converts the outdoor loo into our chilloutpad,and finally gets round to getting us a drumkit. You guys are invited!

YAR!*scream, head bang*

On a more sober note...

Zaz crashed in my room last night. The two of us were nestled all snug in our beds,While visions of stacked heels danced in our heads. With mamma Z in her ‘kerchief, and I in my cap, we had just settled our brains for a long winter’s nap. I can't wait to be done with this history exam, it's robbing me of my health and sanity (or what's left of it). I need to shop!

*drool*

Anyway, it's difficult having to sift through the amount of trashy fashion on the net to look for pictures of what I covet, but you get the idea. I need to get it out of my system... YAR!

Diabolic

2006-03-10T21:29:00.000Z

If I could just kill them.
If I could just kill them.
Shove all my attitude down their tight throats.

Pity we're only lovers.
_________________________________________

I could murder those stupid techies in this hell of an institution.
Its frustrating posting this without having a clue what it looks like.
Ironic isn't it.
Being the only one who can't see your blog.

Someone in the techie room is laughing while I sit here. Frustrated.

_________________________________________

Forces of evil.
No, don't sleep tonight. Don't leave me up alone.
Come on let's take a walk in the freezing cold. Please don't unbutton my coat. There's nothing underneath.
Come crush me now, I'm armed and ready to _____

History screams in my ear and I'm losing faith.
Am I just like you, are we both drowning in this together
In this exam, we're pushed to prove ourselves

'Don't fall apart'. This is just a notion.
Just like how the drunk screams in the dead of the night will fade into the darkness
and how you will fade into the recesses of my mind, mute and dumb.

'Don't fall apart'.
We will fall apart.

We fall.

Apart.
________________________________________

With the tickets for leaver's ball up for grabs I'm hesitating.

Seeing as I missed my secondary school prom, I'm tempted to make this a habit. I was upset but that feeling was fleeting, especially since I was flown off to the UK instead.

Now however, seeing as the theme this year is 'Venetian Masquerade Ball'( how terrible original *rolls eyes*), it's almost romantic a cliche enough to reel me in.

The problem however, is the big question of who I'm going to bring. So far the list of people I've drawn up is,well, me, myself,and I...3! That's a start. Sure people will be bringing lots of guys to snag off, but it just sounds so dreadfully sad, ' ticket for one please'. HAHA

Hm, I wonder if good ol' Charlie will be here in June. I wonder if I can ship a few people over from Singapore to keep me company... It's a venetian masquerade ball guys! It'd be fucking cool if you fly over and surprise me. There's a pond and like, grass , marquee, candles, hot girls/ guys, depending on your sexual orientation, so it has the makings of an awesome do!

Bah, Why do I even bother.

Like A Rose

2006-03-09T09:15:00.000Z

You would think the recent crackdown on smoking would have discouraged the vast majority of us smokers to quit. Unfortunately, we smokers are a stubborn breed. Stubborn to the point of suicidal I must say, otherwise why would we suck even harder at those filters and lick our lips after?

Suck it down baby. You know you want to.

We'll all live forever.

One way or another.

Backwards (Bullet Proof)

2006-03-08T15:00:00.000Z

I always wanted to be a dancer because there's always someone there to catch you.

I can't help myself.

s.peroxide::::diamond dogs::: says:
the guy catches the girl....twit

anna - - red dress says:
i know . but currently u are guyless

anna - - red dress says:
so the responsibility falls on your poor ol frds

anna - - red dress says:
so try not to jump too often

No promises :)

_____

Spoke to my dear old Krusty today

Talking about normal girl things when it came to the topic of motherhood

Motherhood...haha...

Anyway, she declared she can totally see me as a single mum

and the weird thing is, so can I

I can't imagine myself being married to one man my whole life

Staring at Z's Beatles poster I had an epiphany

If I was unsure till now, it just hit me how much I love the male species

They're just so amazingly opposite and...strange

The sad thing is, I will have noone to grow old with and to really Know

But at the moment, Lavinia will be a single mother with a son

I would kinda fancy having twins too

I will not tolerate my kid/s being computer geeks

And I will not tolerate fatness during pregnancy.

Amen.

Dregs

2006-03-08T09:09:00.000Z

Feeling highly inarticulate today so I shall just plug it in and shut up.

For Blue Skies[ Strays Don't sleep ]

It’s been a long year
Since we last spoke

How’s your halo?
Just between you and I
You and me and the satellites

I never believed you
I only wanted to
Before all of this
What did I miss?

Do you ever get homesick?
I can’t get used to it
I can’t get used to it
I’ll never get used to it
I’ll never get used to it

I’m under that night
I’m under those same stars
We’re in a red car
You asleep at my side
Going in and out of the headlights

Could I have saved you?
Would that’ve betrayed you?

I wanna burn this film
You alone with those pills
What you couldn’t do I will

I forgive you

I’ll forgive you
I’ll forgive you

I forgive you

For blue, blue skies
For blue, blue skies
For blue, blue skies
For blue, blue skies
I’ll forgive you

Does it get any better. Does it get any worse. I'm sick of all these metaphors.
All these words, nobody really says what they mean anymore.
Nobody means what they say anymore.
All Right.

We never care too much, but we're still hanging on a string. Suspended or Choking
There's little difference.
We don't dare to let our feelings free, and we are disinterested in honesty.

Bad news comes and we're winded but we get up again because good news is on its way.
We'll all float on okay. Alright and All ready.
Even when things end up abit too heavy, darling, we'll all float on alright.

They burn our churches to the ground, all us idol worshippers let out a sigh
We will buy up souls to fill up our lonely, holy, empty homes.
"Please don't barracade your window, we mute ones, starving for words need your inspiration"
Gasping. Panting. There's sand in these mouths of ours.

Do You Believe In Transcendence

Moments of Madness

2006-03-05T18:56:00.000Z

I know there's still ages to go till summer decides to grace my life with the promise of more booze, wild nights, hot people and long lazy periods of doing absolutely nothing but I'm getting ahead of myself....

Seeing as I have ages before University beckons me into its painfully boring academic arms I have decided to apply for some internship. I don't know why I do this to myself. I reckon getting jobs is like drinking. You experience it once and you promise yourself you'd rather eat your big toe till you try it again, but you inevitably end up crawling back.

I really want to go to Shanghai (because I'm kinda Shanghainese and because I reckon it'll be wild) , so I will be putting in my application for Vogue,China (How sweet is that? CHINESE VOGUE!) If Charlie could survive there without a word of mandarin, I think I'll be able to do it too. Yes. Hopefully. This is the most impulsive thing I've done in ages and I can't wait to see my parents faces when I tell them I'm going to work in Vogue, CHINAH! (Ting, if you're reading this, keep this to yourself ok.It's a surprise)

Then there's also the tempting prospect of just staying in Singapore and hopefully being alllowed to contribute to Juice Magazine. I get to party and write too?! Who can turn that down? What I fear is that working in a local magazine like Juice will turn me off journalism permanently . The Arts House was the most uninspiring stint of my life. I remember waking up every morning and going through a list of plausible excuses for not turning up for work ; death for instance.

This is all in preparation for the ULTIMATE internship stint which I plan to do next summer. I.D Magazine. OOOh YEA! I can hardly wait. I'm up for being persuaded against my decision to jetset to China, so if any of you object speak now, or forever hold your peace. You know you want to spend more time with me guys....

er guys?

Saturday Again

2006-03-05T11:36:00.000Z

We went up to Londres to catch the matinee showing of Who's afraid of Virginia Woolf but Katheen Turner was ill, one actor was totally overdoing it,and the other lead was a no-show too :( Not pleased at all.

The worst thing about going to London was having to leave it...

Heh, We were standing in a dodgy lane having a gaff, we didn't notice it was porn-lane till men with no teeth and dirty clothes started gathering suspiciously . We kinda flipped out.... But I had never been to a proper porn place before! it was so exciting!

When I got back it was like 8 and Scaz and crew had left for Yates' to celebrate her unconditional offer from St Martins. She had also polished off the bottles of smirnoff that were meant for ME *grumble*.

Despite promising myself a sober weekend I found myself and susan and anna s in the residence.. I was totally egging cheng to get plastered seeing as she has been teetotal for 2 months plus.

Oddly enough, the party came to us. We were totally messing around in Cheng's empty room, everyone totally buzzing from ... I have no idea what they did , but it was crazy anyway... VODKA!

Oompa Loompa...

The green fairy... absinthe! Yay! Young hearts... Run Free.....

Zaz being totally uncooperative... GIVE IT TO ME BABY! UH HUH UH HUH!

Sigh silly drunks... Bouncing off the walls again... acting like a fool again...

Aye Aye Cap'n

BUBS! haha

What can I say...Some people have problems letting me go heheh

Natasha Anastacia Rasputin, the Russian Mailorder Bride... Da

This is a pretty CK ad type photo, aside from the fact that Anna was having problems getting up... drunk

The tragedy: They were all trashed but I wasn't !!!

Uh.... Yea well.... Who knows what I was thinking

Can't get enough of this wig... Yea like,totally, yea like...

There were more pictures of us acting like retards but uploading them is tiring. Here was yet another weekend, it seems evident that no weekend of mine is complete without heaven's nectar- alcohol!!! St Patrick's is coming round the corner... can barely wait!

For now, here's the Cap'n of the Lurvboat signing off..... Out! x

Confessions of a teenage drama queen

2006-03-02T17:04:00.000Z

I promised I wouldn't blog about anything sad or upsetting in anyway but the past 2 days have been pretty rough. I don't want to grow up : (

Drama today brought with it my weekly counselling session. I love Mrs DJ. Despite the fact that I never do any preparations for lessons she is always there for me to talk to. I need it every now and then.

The present despair score: SUICIDAL ( Don't read this if the last thing you need is a powerful dose of depression) :

I'm really worried for my cousin who has just been diagnosed with Meningitis after coming back from some top-secret case in Brunei . Apparently her brain has swelled and what we fear most are the after effects of her illness. She is such a brilliant girl but she risks brain damage or attention deficit disorder when she recovers.

My other cousin, with only a few months to spare before her PSLE has been diagnosed with dyslexia. She may not be able to make it through the exams, which is yet another waste especially since all her life her full potential has not been realised. What saddens me the most is the fact that she's always been misunderstood. She's such a sweet girl...

Someone really close to me has found out her mother is seeing a psychiatrist and suffers from Multiple Personality Disorder. Furthermore her parents have encountered some financial problems and at the present, her academic future seems bleak. This is yet another tragedy and makes me so sad. She's such a brilliant person.

I've found out I'm going to SOAS rather than UCL now. To be fair, there is little difference seeing as 50% of my time will be divided between both institutions. Also, SOAS is 3rd nationwide for my course and 4th as a university....but still. You know what it's like when you psyche yourself up for something only to have it pulled from under your feet and leave you feeling so desparaging. My tutors have been telling me to snap out of my morose state ,thinking I'm being such an ingrate. Loads of people covet an offer from SOAS so I guess I should stop being such a turd.
________________________________________________________________________

I was moaning to Mrs DJ " I'm so depressed... I hate life" but she said something that held some resonance with me ," You don't hate life, that's why you're depressed, You want to be happy and therefore, hate to experience bad things".

That is so true. I love life, and every now and then I do love my life, what upsets me is seeing first hand how fragile everything truly is. One minute we're on top of the world, getting on with our careers, eagerly claiming our A's and then, all of a sudden, it can be gone just like that. We lose our ways ,keeping our eyes keenly on a target only to find we've lost the whole point about what life truly is. Suddenly our personal hang-ups and self-pitying just loses all relevance and we ask ourselves what all the hot fuss and noise was about in the first place.

When Z got rejected from Cambridge she was gutted and thrown into serious depression for 2 weeks. When I got a no from UCL I gave Krusty a call and told her I might as well get some brooms for my career as a road sweeper in London. This was the first time we were actually shown the impact our actions have on our lives. Previously I had dismissed SOAS because the name was so uncool and the prospectus was brown, but now I was forced to do some proper research on SOAS and was pleasantly surprised to find, IT'S SUCH A SWEET PLACE!! I can't wait to go! Yea, I know I didn't bust my buns redhot for my AS's but I'm proud of what I got, and I guess the only way to go is forward. But from now on, I know noone is going to get that career for me... even if it's a career as Supervisor Road Sweeper.

The future has really whacked my hard on my stubborn head. Adopt Adapt and Improve. I have learned lots of things from this.
Firstly, I have been slapped awake by life and out of the mentality that I can manage to fumble along with minimal amount of effort and my parent's support, (apparently even that doesn't last forever) .
Secondly, even though working towards a future is neccessary, it isn't the be all and end all. There is more to life than certs and money. There's you and me, as human beings stripped bare, vulnerable and depending on the dubious notion of time and the idea that we will somehow, live forever.
Thirdly, SOAS is a hot place. Fiercely political, exhileratingly left-wing and apparently perpetually smelling of sweet sweet grass- the setting is there for a wicked time. Apparently they have a Lesbian Gay Bisexual Transgeder Officer in charge of, well LGBT issues.. heheh. I should stop being such a retard with research and properly read up before running my mouth off and exercising typical Singaporean ignorance. If ignorance means bliss, Singaporeans should be the most ecstatic lot on the planet.

Feeling so enlightened. The dalai lama and I should form our own posse.

Glamorous Indie Chuck

2006-02-28T14:01:00.000Z

The day was shite to start with and Scaz's new shoes were the only colour in the room.

She got them in Birmingham or something. They're supposed to be magic converse shoes because they're limited edition or something. Pretty!

The rest of the time it was emo black & white boredom. Here's us being emo. We are emo because nobody understands us and we're angsty teens. The world is out to get us and we want to die. Hence, the monochromatic colours...

Emo Kidzzz>>>>

I couldn't stand it anymore so Zaz and I headed out to town. We dropped by accessorize but I resisted the urge to spend more money on trinkets and baubles because I had better things to spend my money on.

Even at Topshop, I kept my wallet close to my chest . Not even the awesome bikini's, crop tops, baggy pants, roman sandals could persuade me otherwise. Topshop would have to pry my wallet from my dead ,cold fingers!

But if they're the Party Shop it's a totally different story! The sign actually read the Party Sho ( I'm guessing the P fell Off).

Aside from having a really fit cashier dude, it had awesome wigs and cool party stuff like that. I started hyperventilating and became aware of the fact that my arms were becoming full of party trinkets and costumes. Looks like they managed to defeat my kung pow grip of my wallet.

It was way awesome!

Thank god I didn't live in the 50s, I wouldn't have been able to survive the latest trends... like the beehive. As this picture shows.... *GAG* haha...tres amusing though

That's a robot mask, I reckoned it looked really cool but Zaz was scared of it. Wimp.

Haha... A chinese leprechaun... Paddy O' Mah Lee

Brace yourself for this!

When we got back to the house we started throwing on our latest purchases (£30 worth of stuff man!)

Here I present... Pedro the Mexican immigrant who snuck across the border to work as a labourer in the mines of er... New York? ARibaH AribAH!!!I think I look pretty sexy as a guy haha..

Here's Suzie Wong, the chinese call girl who only wants to luff you long long... for forteen dollah...cheap cheap... HAHA... I love this wig! It's totally rocking!!

Suzie like to take dah picture! Ooh! Camerah! Pretty!

In the day, Suzie becomes... Emma Mika Lee the pilot/ air stewardess/ whatever I'm supposed to be! I LOVE THE WIG!!!

GOGO meets Maxine the army samurai chick who just wants to cut your guts out and wear them as a necklace around her neck. Or....just indecisive me not knowing what to do with all these toys I bought. Check the samurai sword... sweet stuff.

I call this the Samurai crouch. After wreaking havoc in a whirlwind of madness, the mad samurai comes to rest haha...

There's no Samurai without Mad Pirate Chica Barnita ... Zaz had a club to go with it but she forgot to bring it up for this picture. Nevertheless, she looks a real fright... or just really funny

: D

We left for a talent show in coll tonight. I went as the confused Samurai-Cum- G.I and Zaz went as a pirate (obviously). Of course we stood out, of course we got weird looks, of course my wig was totally annoying me, but it was wicked fun.

My sis performed tonight!! I was so proud of her I actually started tearing. I know, it totally ruined the killer getup but she was so good in her performance! I couldn't get any clear pics but she was tres tres bon!Percy took part in the fun as well. No one can resist a G.I helmet.

Suzie Wong decided to make an appearance in this picture.

Percy likes my sword. Who doesn't like a good sword now and then ;P

Post-Madness

2006-02-27T15:57:00.000Z

The day after we got totally trashed blind we opted for more sober activities that night, like heading out to good ol' Cafe Rouge for dinner. I didn't forget to bring my toy with me! Yes, I know,I am a cam whore now : D

We were SO starving, ravenous even, like I told Chris, I could have eaten all the horses in Brokeback Mountain... So was the razzle berry, as can be seen here... The guy in the background must have been so digusted with us, a group of girls chowing down our food like P.O.W on their first day of freedom.

Can you blame us? The food was SO GOOD! I gobbled my baguette et boeuf in about 30 seconds flat whilst attacking the melted cheese dish simultaneously...

Maximum amount of damage was done in a minimal amount of time... haha, although it may look rank, it was amazing, trust me! *burp*

I opted for simple,boring, bland sparkling water, the healthy choice for potential members of the AAA. Yes, it is water not gin & tonic, I swear...

When it came to dessert the girls were being such wusses, wanting to SHARE their desserts. Who SHARES dessert man?

Waitress: 'ello arr yew readeh to ordeah? (french waitress, sexy accent)
Chris/ Al: Oh yes, could you just give us a few....
Me: I'LL HAVE THE BANANA ET CHOCOLAT CREPE PLEASE!!!!
Chris:.... minutes...
Razzle: *BAHAH*

Nothing comes between me and my food. Nothing. Not even social civilities...all is fair in love and food.

Chris insisted on doing a jap tourist photo in the feckin freezing cold. What with the phone booth and all, Razzle was getting into it... KAWAII (I know I ruin the cuteness of this photo, as I always do)

When I turned up at school the most random people were asking me about saturday night. Give me a break guys.

All in all, the weekend was very eventful and I had wicked fun. I have doubts about this weekend but my trusty toy will provide testimony for how boring/ mad it will be.

24 Hour Party People

2006-02-26T12:50:00.000Z

All the bunnies and Cheeses went out last night for a night cap.
But that was after we made a pilrimage to town in order to spend our money on toys and pretty things!
Like this sweet camera!! It set my dad back by £276 but it was necessary!

Without my baby I wouldn't have been able to take pictures of my essentials and significant purchases... Like these.... (I can't go out without buying anything. I'm sick, I know). The beauty of retail therapy.

Recent purchases>>>

The life of a single girl is an expensive one ; P

Then came the PARTYING!!!!I love parties as much as the next bunny!

I did my duty as a filial daughter and went out for dinner with my rents, but after that, it was noholds barred, full out INSANITY!! The fecking 24Hour Party People x!!

At Yates' >>>

Maddy & Hannah (Not plastered yet. We had just arrived). Give us a sec...

Darling Bunnies Robin & Maddy! (Still at Yates')

This is SUCH a RAVE picture.

We couldn't stay at one place for too long.

Buzzing with electricity and our pants on fire

We were burning mother f***ers. I'm not the only one.

The town was red hot!

In the cold, we were burning up. Cheap Thrills.

" Froddo Baggins!" Screamed Hannah and I as we walked down the road.

Oh my little Percy! We're so bloody cool we can barely contain ourselves.

At The Retreat >>> Pure Madness.

hahaha...

We asked for tequila shots but got sambuca's instead. Recipe for disaster if you ask me.

It wasn't just us. The place was total pumping insanity.

Demented...

Annie the bunny! Quite literally.

Dirty dancing for free tequila shots...

Back at Yates' >>>

[ We got turned away at first, because apparently I was too drunk.

We got in in the end. Looks like I haven't lost my touch, haha...]

I wasn't the only one out of it...

Pretty Colours and Poison :

After the night was over I was pissed out of my skull.

Zaz wasn't with it as well. A few minutes ago she had flooded the bathroom.

There was a drama back at the house, but we were too gone to care much.

I might have called J a dyke. I'm not sure. If I did, I don't regret it, she is such a bleedin' turd.

The night in summary: Cherry something's and 7up, Vodka Vodka Vodka,Vodka with orange juice, Vodka with Vodka, Vodka with red bull, Sambuca Sambuca, and a whole plantation of tobacco...

We just can't get enough.

Artefacts

2006-02-24T21:10:00.000Z

We are the libertines tralalalalala!!!
We do too much for nothing
Eat Chai leaves and meditate like sinners.....
Evidence of this way of living.
It's routine, so suffocating.

An addiction I have managed to kick:
Killer Tea.
This stuff makes you trip so bad... Money is spent on unecessary things or things that will kill us. But who cares. We only live once.
I should really get my magazines sorted but I'm too lazy!!!

We're cleaning up our acts now.

At least I am. Or giving the illusion that I am.

My bottles of Pimm's,Archers, Malibu, er and the odd beer can has been reduced to this. A sad, sad sight indeed for all. Had a few swigs of this whilst panicking for the mocks. You know,to steady the nerves and whatnot.

I've got the oddest knick knacks and brickabracks in my room.

It's a grotto and there's no real reason for me to leave it!

A self-sufficient and self-idiolizing whorebag. Or Asshat as Z will say.

I.D. My reason for living on.

It takes me AGES to read one issue and eternity to pick up the books you see lying around it.

It's time for a revolution!

This library book is so overdue they won't miss it anyway.

Burn baby, burn!

We do take time off from our shennanigans (or lack of it) to appreciate life,and well, lean back...relax. When we have a gaff, we look out the window and when we do, the view looks like this:

Boring,yes, Dull ,yes, Stagnant,yes, Uninspiring, yes. That's why we choose to not look and walk around with our eyes shut.

My daddy is being so. so. Daddy like! Bah!

When he came up to meet us in London he gave me 12 pears to bring back with me because he didn't want me to fall ill. Like seriously! Do you honestly think I can finish all of them before they rot?I may be greedy and piggish, but not to that extent!

Why have pears when you can have.... GUMMY VITAMIN C!!!

So it says for ages 3 +, but still!

*I LOVE BASSETT'S!*

So this is how we get by till the day that we die.

Oh that's the way we get by ; \

Roomies

2006-02-24T18:00:00.000Z

Anna the defector came to visit me today because she was feeling so sian in her house.

My first reaction to these shoes was 'what the hell are you wearing'

But they look pretty cute on her haha...it's like a cross-breed between an Ugg and Converse

So here we were...Chilling in her abandoned room.

This is Anna's door... I got in for free all the time...

And we were doing what we normally do

Her outfit is so damn cute!

Aw! I really miss my banana!

Damn you Anna! We could have gone drinking together tonight! Please sneak out of your house of something! We have to get wasted out of our MINDS!!!